In Scream, Jamie Kennedy outlines the rules for surviving a horror film thusly: Don't have sex, don't get drunk or do drugs, and never say "I'll be right back." But in the twelve years since Scream was released, there have been some a number of additions to these basic horror movie survival rules. Final Destination and it's many, many sequels taught us to never take a shower, or go for a drive when you're in the process of cheating death, because death will find you and kill you in the most cartoonish way possible. The Hostel series gave us the rules: Don't stay in hostels, and also, Don't travel. And Cabin Fever, of course, reminded us to never, ever stay in a remote cabin with Rider Strong.
After watching the trailer for the upcoming UK film Donkey Punch, however, it's apparent that Scream's original rules for surviving a horror film need to be completely revised:
"Don't have sex" is now "Don't engage in fake sex acts that are obviously jokes."
"Don't get drunk or do drugs" is now "Don't get drunk or do drugs on a yacht." And
"Never say, 'I'll be right back,'" is now "When someone asks, 'Ever heard of a Donkey Punch?' Never say, 'Tell us!'"
Only one lonely critic quote ("The sexiest most shocking film of the year"—Empire) in the trailer? You can do better than that, Donkey Punch. Granted, I haven't actually seen the movie, but I have seen the trailer, so feel free to use any of the following quotes from this column in subsequent promotions:
"You won't believe Donkey Punch (the movie or the sexual act)!"—Onion AV Club
"It's the feel-smart-and-superior movie of the summer!"—Onion AV Club
"What? Ha ha ha ha ha!"—Onion AV Club
"You'll never think about Donkey Punching the same way again, unless you thought it was funny that people thought it was real, in which case your thoughts regarding Donkey Punching will remain the same!!!"—Onion AV Club
"Thankfully not a porn!"—Onion AV Club