Look, we don’t want yuck anyone’s spooOOOOOooky yums here, but it does feel, as the reality index ticks ever closer to the toilet here on what is probably the final season of America: A Series Of Escalating Whoopsies, like we should do a quick check-in with people. Specifically, we’d like to get some verification from folks about how clear they are on the non-existence of certain things—like, say, whether demon-possessed murder dolls exist. (Fun fact: They do not!)
We’re just asking, on account of people apparently getting worried that Annabelle—the non-possessed, exists-in-the-real-world doll who served as the model for the fictional, extremely possessed doll from the Conjuring movies—might have been somehow let loose in the world today, which, we admit, would be bad, were we to accept the premise that Annabelle contains a demon, which we do not. This comes courtesy of Newsweek, which reports that people apparently started losing their minds about Annabelle’s incipient, finely-stitched rampage on social media earlier this afternoon because someone said she was “missing” on her Wikipedia page, and really, people: We know it’s hard right now, but we have to do better than this.
As Newsweek helpfully points out, the Annabelle doll—which, unlike the one from the movie, is a Raggedy Ann, not a porcelain nightmare creation—isn’t even housed in Ed and Lorraine Warren’s Occult “Museum” anymore, because the Connecticut tourist destination has now reportedly closed. (Presumably because there are a whole shitload of invisible deadly things that do exist for us all to worry about right now, as opposed to ghosts.) Annabelle is apparently now in the custody of Lorraine Warren’s son-in-law Tony Spera, who we can only hope is treating the object with all the deference due its supernatural abilities, i.e., no deference whatsoever.
Annabelle’s history is, of course, undeniable, in that people (mostly the late Ed and Lorraine Warren) have undeniably said some crazy shit regarding her. Her cinematic alter ego, meanwhile, has starred in three self-titled films, all of which, we feel frustrated to have to emphasize, were depictions of fictional events. Also, this is the spot where we’d post some tweets of people having strong, crazy reactions to Annabelle’s “escape” on Twitter, but the first few ones we saw were decidedly horny, and now we need to go have ourselves a little cry.