America, a proud nation of cerevisaphiles who demand only the finest of ales, lagers, and stouts to piss through their bladders every 15 minutes, has decided that Budweiser is no longer good enough for its public houses, cotillions, or loaded Doritos. According to The Wall Street Journal, the onetime “King Of Beers” is experiencing declining sales, rejected—like all monarchs—by Americans who demand the freedom to choose from a wider democracy of beers, and possibly even some that don’t taste like fermented gutter runoff. Indeed, it’s been determined that some 44 percent of drinkers aged 21- to 27-year-olds have never even tried Budweiser, so vast are their choices, so selfish are their dads. So naturally, Budweiser is threatening to kill some horses.
Faced with this younger, millennial crowd who prefers to Instagram photos of craft beers, and has never experienced the sort of soul-draining factory job that numbs you to the point of Budweiser tasting “good enough,” the company is rethinking its marketing campaign, beginning with its classic Clydesdales. A mainstay of Budweiser ads for more than 80 years, the iconic stallions have long been used to symbolize the “integrity, perfection, and team spirit” represented by the brand, as well as the fact that Bud kinda resembles horse urine.
But as the Journal reports, the horses are already being put down in favor of those “#HolidayBuds” commercials, where twentysomethings look into their trendy webcams and call out the pals they’d most like to settle for cheap beer with this holiday. Meanwhile, Budweiser is concentrating on sponsoring things like food festivals—because “50 percent of 21- to 27-year-olds identify themselves as ‘foodies,’” and this is something to endorse—and Made In America, overseen by millennial-friendly rapping horse Jay Z.
Still, Budweiser was quick to clarify to The Wrap that the Clydesdales won’t be killed off just yet—and definitely not for this season’s holiday and Super Bowl commercials. So you won’t see Jay Z galloping majestically through the streets, before taking a solemn knee in front of the Freedom Tower. That is, unless you hipsters refuse to drink your industrial swill like a real American, in which case they’ll just have to grind them up for their new microbrew, Hoofenbock. Bet you’d drink that, wouldn’t you? Fucking foodies.