E! to air Saved By The Bell on weekday mornings as means of getting Americans back to work

In an effort to stimulate the economy and combat America’s unemployment rates, E! has acquired the rights to Saved By The Bell, with plans to air it in two-hour blocks on weekdays from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. For those whose slipshod work ethic has long caused them to dawdle at home—rolling into the office well after 9, their lack of motivation allowing the U.S. to languish behind more industrious nations—a morning dose of 1990s teenagers whooping at terrible jokes should prove a galvanizing force in getting them out of the house and back into the grind. And for those who have all but given up on ever finding a job, wallowing instead in the sloth of self-pity and syndicated reruns, the neon nightmare vision of their faded youth should shock them back to life, as they answer Mr. Belding’s call of “Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?” with the sobering self-inventory necessary to get the hell out of bed and away from the television. The reruns are also expected to help offset the nation’s Dustin Diamond jobless rate, which remains a staggering 100 percent.