Elon Musk threatens everyone with buying Twitter
Finally answering the question: How could one possibly make the social media platform any worse?
After weeks of uncomfortable flirting, professional Wario cosplayer Elon Musk finally made his intentions loud and clear to Twitter this morning: He sees through its awkward, dorky trappings and thinks that with some contact lenses and a hostile takeover, he can make it as sexy and financially lucrative as Tesla The Boring Company Neuralink SpaceX.
“I made an offer,” Musk tweeted earlier today alongside a link to his official, batshit SEC filing in which he promises to fork over $41 billion in exchange for a 100-percent stake in Twitter. “Twitter has extraordinary potential. I will unlock it,” his letter to chairman of the board concludes, like some half-assed Bond villain right before they press a Big Red Button to begin laser-drilling into the Moon.
In this case, “extraordinary potential” apparently means taking the company private and more rigorously adhering to Musk’s nebulous “free speech absolutist” position he avowed a couple weeks back—a philosophical concept he mostly chooses to exercise by making references to having sex in the “69" position and copy-pasting memes about transphobia and the assassination of John Lennon.
Musk’s other bandied changes include an “Edit” button and making Twitter’s algorithm open-source—yet another incredibly reductive and unclear goal in keeping with the world’s wealthiest man’s habit of overpromising and underdelivering on products that end up making everyone a little less safe than they were before Musk showed up.
Elon’s offered price for Twitter will likely be hard for investors to decline, although it’s very possible the Securities and Exchange Commission will not take kindly to his painfully obvious market fuckery, which included brazenly ignoring a federal deadline to inform investors of his initial massive buy of company stock last month.
While we would prefer not to care about this latest development, Musk’s brand of pseudo-intelligent edgelord behavior implies that, were he to actually acquire Twitter, he would almost certainly let a certain someone return to the platform—and that alone is cause for genuine concern.
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