Comedians Of Comedy Tour veteran and Flight Of The Conchords regular Eugene Mirman knows a little about telling you what to do: His website features a running advice column, Ask Eugene. He served as a “sexpert” for Maxim. (See video here.) And his new book, The Will To Whatevs: A Guide To Modern Life, offers advice on things like office parties, school, and “what to do with your fine arts degree in today’s capitalist world.” With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, we thought it would be appropriate to have our online readers submit questions about sex or love for Eugene to answer. And he did.
Does love really have anything to do with sex? I love my family and my friends, but I usually don’t have sex with them. So why do some girls want me to say “I love you” before they will have sex with me? Wouldn’t “I want to have sex with you” be more appropriate? —Scott
Dear Scott,
Girls want you to say that because you’re in high school. Grownup girls just want you to call them dirty names, compliment them on their knowledge of current affairs, and act enthusiastic about their new hats. No one makes you pretend to love them anymore once you grow up; that only happens in the recent remake of Knight Rider.
I’ve just recently gotten engaged, and my soon-to-be-wife and I are both kind of cash-strapped agnostics. It’s the first time for both of us, so we’d really like to do it right and include as many friends and family as possible. So my question is twofold: a) how to create a solemn and meaningful ceremony without a religious element and find the right person to officiate it, and b) how to make a nice wedding for 100 or so guests on the cheap. Please help! —Groomy Gus
Dear Gus,
You should have a good friend get a license to officiate your wedding. It’s easy. Most states can give you a one-day certificate. Just make sure you tell him (or her) not to swear (nothing makes a wedding more weird than someone going, “Do you take this fucking man to be…”) Also, make sure they aren’t Wiccan or into emo. Next, find a cool space somewhere to rent or use—a nearby farm, a music venue, a well-off friend’s parents’ summer home. Buy all the food and liquor yourselves (or make it a pot luck and cash bar) and hire a few people to serve, clean up, and help out. Now the fun part—hire some celebrity impersonators. A few suggestions: Michael Jackson, Ashton Kutcher, Slash, Robert De Niro, and Roman Polanski. (No one knows what he looks like, so feel free to just get an old guy to walk around going, “I’m Roman Polanski!”) People will remember it. If you want to take it to another level, give the wedding a simple theme, like “beach wedding,” “Old West wedding,” or “barely legal.”
Why am I only attracted to Jews? —Mike
Dear Mike,
Because God chose them to be the most special people in the world. Plus they’re demanding, which is very sexy.
Big fan of the advice column on your site.My question concerns online dating.I’ve been at this for a week, and am surprised at how many obvious “form letters” I have gotten from dudes.How can dudes possibly not have figured out that we dames will be on to them and not respond? —Jenn
P.S. Will I ever find true love?
Dear Jenn,
Dudes are fools. However, you need to give proactive feedback instead of not responding. Guys share—they meet up all the time near abandoned churches to try and figure out what they’re doing wrong. You should respond to each form letter with, “Your form letter just lost you an after-coffee-date-blowjob, buddy.” Strike men where it hurts most—in the idea that they could have had simple, anonymous afternoon sex and messed it up.
P.S. Yes, you will find true love. It will be a little more difficult than it was in Pretty Woman, but not nearly as hard as it was in Return Of The Jedi.
What is a good gift to give on Valentine’s Day to someone you have been going out with for a few months? —Brian K.
Dear Brian,
There is a really cool service that turns photos into paintings on canvas. You should take a great photo of your dick and have it blown up into a cool painting. If you’re too much of a wuss to do that, then pretty earrings or something for her stupid cat.
Congratulations on a book. Saw you open for Stella back in New York, good stuff. Mr. Mirman, I must ask you the question whether or not you think it would a smart life choice to enroll in the Peace Corps. Now, I am only a high school senior. But when I go to college I want to just travel abroad. I'm going to attend college but afterward, instead of getting a job right away would joining the Corps seem reasonable? Thank you. —Brian
Dear Brian,
Sure. It seems fine. Luckily, I think you’re asking what you should do five years from now—I can’t tell, because some of what you wrote is either in broken English, or a coded message for help. Good news! You can decide later. Joining the Peace Corps is totally reasonable, unless it changes by then and instead of educating and empowering disadvantaged peoples, it is solely an organization that sends upper-middle-class 20-somethings to Kenya and Mongolia to have sex while poor people watch.
I don’t normally write for advice, but that bitch Miss Manners has repeatedly ignored my many e-mails. You’re the only one I can turn to. How much hotter than your partner(s) do you have to be to get them to do freaky stuff during sex? Do you have to be Angelina-hot to pull out the bit gag, or is Tina-hot sufficient? —Freaky in D.C.
Dear Freaky,
You probably don’t need to be Angelina-hot. How freaky do you mean, though? “Put a finger in someone’s bottom” freaky, or “Dress up like a Nazi, cry, and jerk off on your feet” freaky? Regardless, this chart should help you:
Equal hotness = some spanking, mumbling dirty things
1 level hotter = Talking dirty (even if it’s embarrassing), wearing silly shoes
2 levels hotter = some weird butt-related things, kissing feet, yelling “Take it, bitch!”
3 levels hotter = pretending to be racist, having sex over and over ’til it’s unpleasant
4 levels hotter = three-way with same-sex person, filling pants with ice cream
5 levels hotter = peeing in a bathtub, wearing a zipper mask, punching each other
8 levels hotter = poop followed by self-loathing.
I have recently begun hooking up with this guy.Problem is, while I just think of him as a casual thing, he’s recently been saying how he’s in love with me.I am definitely not in love with him, but I think he’s a nice guy.I told him that he should feel free to see other people, but he doesn’t want to.What do you think I should do? —Heartbreaker
Dear Heartbreaker,
You have to break up right away. And stop telling him you want to be friends — he uses that information to power his sadness machine that runs on false hope. Okay? Thanks! Good luck. If that’s super-difficult, you can tell him it’s off, but then hook up once a month when you’re drunk for three months, ’til you both move on.
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So there’s this girl I’ve completely and totally fallen for at my college. I’ve even revealed my feelings to her. The problem is that she doesn’t reciprocate them and is merely content to be friends. For the most part, I actually am okay with this, since she really means a lot to me, and I still enjoy seeing her whenever possible. However, my romantic feelings toward her won’t subside, and I worry that I’m not going to be able to feel for someone else the way I do for this girl. Is there anything you’d suggest I do that does not involve not seeing this girl, which I don’t think I can do? —Ben Folds Fan
Dear You Big Pussy,
First of all, everything will be fine. I know it doesn’t seem like that now, but it’s true. Unless you’re a nutcase, eventually you will meet someone else you like as much. The only way to get over this girl is to start dating other people. I know you don’t want to, but you have to. Otherwise, you can’t hang out with this girl because you’ll obsess over her, drive all your friends crazy, they will commit suicide, and it will be your fault, because I warned you. Good luck. Also, try joining some clubs—but not the Worker’s Party Paper, or any commie shit. Ultimately, my advice is hobbies + time = you’ll move on. Oh yeah! Don’t forget to put her down (charmingly) and act indifferent so that she falls for you!
P.S. Unless she is much more attractive than you, you guys might go out in a year or so.
I recently moved in with a friend of mine when I transferred colleges. He’s a good guy and great roommate (doesn’t leave his stuff everywhere, doesn’t wake me up by turning the lights on in the middle of the night like my old roommate), but there’s a problem. See, he has a steady girlfriend here, and the door to our bedroom doesn’t latch all the way. It’s so bad that when somebody comes in the front door downstairs, the ensuing slam causes the door to swing open. You see where I’m going with this? Do you have any advice as to how I might avoid seeing something I don’t want to see? I really don’t want to come home after class only to catch the two of them mid-coitus. —Jared
Dear Jared,
Sounds like you need to fix the door to your bedroom. Why don’t you get one of those hook things like in some bathrooms that closes the door? I’m sure if you told him you don’t like coming home and seeing his balls, he’d be amenable. Am I missing something? Is there other advice you were hoping for, like suggesting they only have sex in the bathroom, or wear catsuits so you can’t tell what they’re doing?
I’m married and I have two kids, and since they were born, it seems like my wife has no interest in sex. We’ve talked about it, but nothing has changed. What can I do to spice things up?
There is one thing you can do for real—get her the G-Shot®. Look it up—she’ll love it, if what I’ve seen on daytime TV is even half true. Otherwise, you should leave her. Sorry, it’s harsh, but your two kids will understand once they are 17. Also, try sneaking whiskey into her food.
Eugene
I’m a 24-year-old virgin, and it’s mainly because I’m extremely shy and terrified of rejection. Lately I’ve been hanging out with this girl often, and I’m not sure how to tell if she’s into me, or how to make a move without potentially ruining the friendship. My question is how can I figure out whether or not she likes me like that without making a mess of things. —Scared To Try
Dear Scaredy-Cat Pussy-Balls,
There are three ways to find out if a girl likes you: 1) ask her friends, 2) ask her, or 3) kiss her. Sometimes you have to make a mess of things to make things right—that’s what Winston Churchill and FDR did. I understand you’re nervous because you’re a virgin (ha ha!), but most people don’t demand to have sex right after you tell them you like them. (Other than Kid Rock and probably Kim Jong-Il.) You have to take risks. Plus, getting rejected can be a good thing—it’ll help you understand music (especially R&B and The Smiths), and you’ll have stuff to share at parties.
The last month or two, I’ve been debating getting super-serious with a girl who is very nice, funny, pretty, et al. However, she is 19… I am 29. She’s very mature, and has no problems with it, but I can’t help feeling a little predatory. Do you know other big “age jump” couples where this has worked, or am I just gonna look like a creep?
Dear Creep,
Ultimately, it’s totally fine. It’s always better to take a chance. My parents, my girlfriend’s parents, and several of my friends are in relationships where they’re 10 years apart. If you go out, two things to keep in mind: 1) lie to your friends and tell people she’s 21, and 2) have her wear a mustache so she looks older. The other thing you can do is make her walk with a cane, so if people judge you for dating someone so young, you can judge them back for discriminating against the handicapped.
I just got walked out on completely unexpectedly by my live-in girlfriend of three years, and when she came to get her stuff two weeks later, she told me she had gotten married to another guy while she was gone. Is this kind of impulsive, out-of-the-blue, batshit-insane behavior common out of seemingly happy and rational women? Or did I just find an exceptionally unstable one?
P.S. One of our fondest shared memories was seeing you with Patton, Brian, and Maria in Boston last time. Come back around!
Dear Holy Shit,
Holy shit, that is crazy. I’ve heard of similar stories, but it’s not normal to break up with someone and marry another person right away. That is the number-one sign of a poor decision-maker. Most people have rebound relationships with drummers, get drastic haircuts, or drink ’til they fall asleep (also called “passing out”). It probably won’t happen again, unless there is something weird about you that makes women ruin their lives. If you go to Charlie’s Kitchen or The Cellar, I’m sure you’ll find a nice girl with manageable problems. Though probably the best place to meet people is at Sherman Café in Somerville’s Union Square. The bathroom there is small, but it’s big enough to start a family.
This will be the first Valentine’s Day I celebrate with my fiancé. We live in different cities and don’t see each other regularly. What can I do to make this Valentine’s Day special? —Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Why don’t you go to the Mountain Top Inn near Killington, Vermont? It’s nice. If you’re broke, you could take Greyhound buses and meet in the middle. It might be depressing, and you’ll probably get pregnant by a random guy. (More than 50 percent of newborns are conceived while people are asleep on Greyhound busses—it’s why America is so far behind the world in standardized tests.) On a side note, I hope you don’t plan on having one of those long-distance marriages that is based on trust. I don’t think those work, really.
Thanks for everything you do. You are “totes” the best. My question is, why do people get love and sex confused all the time? Follow-up question: Do you have problems telling them apart? Thanks times infinity. —Zach
Dear Zach,
People confuse the two because starting in 7th grade, kids are taught to not have sex unless they are in love and married. They’re taught this to avoid getting pregnant—because it is a huge headache and involves MOUNDS of paperwork. However, as they get older, they still believe that stuff. Also, some people (we’ll call them “girls”) respect themselves and don’t want to risk getting pregnant with some random dude who wants to experience four minutes of bliss and then go play Medal Of Honor 4.
I think my family suspects that I’m gay, as I’ve never been in a long-term relationship and have never brought a girl home from college. I’m not gay; I’m just more interested in one-night stands. How do I tactfully tell my grandma, for instance, that I’m only interested in getting my dick wet?
Dear Mr. Wet,
Why don’t you tell them a story about a few dates with girls you’ve gone on? A charming anecdote about a girl will let them know you’re not gay, just figuring things out. Also, consider being in a long-term relationship, you emotionally stunted baby-man. Another option is to invite your grandmother to be your friend on Facebook and then constantly update your status with, “[your name] is in Sarah Horowitz” or whatever.
I have two very young kids, both boys, and in the course of changing diapers and whatnot, I can’t help but notice that the toddler has quite a sizeable penis, for a toddler, while the baby’s is tiny, compared to his brother at the same age. Is this an indication of how things will go for them as adults? Or is there no correlation, as puberty’s a decade away? —Inappropriate Dad
Dear Inappropriate Dad,
You came to the right guy. I wrote a college paper about baby-dick size—I even won a Pulitzer Prize when I published it (without their knowledge) in The Washington Post. Yes, one will have a giant, TV-friendly penis, and the other will have a small, listen-to-Fall Out Boy one. This will be a source of constant strife and resentment. It will could end with a duel (with pistols) in their 20s. To avoid this, give the little-penised one boxing lessons once he’s 5, and they’ll get along great.
My girlfriend really likes receiving fancy gifts on Valentine’s Day, but I’m super-duper poor. What should I do? —Rob
Dear Rob,
You should break up with her. She sounds annoying. If you love her and don’t want to break up, get a henna tattoo on your penis. Those are very fancy.
Eugene Mirman