In case you missed the 800th photo of bride and groom in their traditional post-nuptial low-rise sweat-suits, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker got married over the weekend–an event that Ok! magazine reportedly paid $2 million to cover exclusively.
Two million dollars might seem like a lot of money to pay for the rights to cover the wedding of a TV actress who will jump in front of anything resembling a camera and her boyfriend, the face of le hip hop et le basketball, but, as OK's Rob Shuter explained to USA Today, the price tag is completely justified. For several, increasingly stupid reasons:
USA TODAY asks Shuter to run down the must-haves to land big bucks:
1. Two people we care about. There has to be an incredible story behind the couple and their nuptials, Shuter says.
A moving, riveting, thoroughly interesting story like: ravenous publicity hound/actress on 3rd rate TV show marries the worst basketball player/rapper since Shaq, stretching out the nuptials over so many days and in front of so many cameras that the coverage becomes so unavoidable people will close their eyes to go to sleep only to see that haunting image of Longoria and Parker flanked by Euro Mickey and Euro Minnie at Euro Disney in horrifying, vivid detail, as if it were emblazoned on the undersides of their eyelids. That kind of story.
2. An incredible guest list. "We want to see them interacting with A-list guests," Shuter says.
Exclusive people who keep themselves scarce, like Ryan Seacrest, Teri Hatcher, AC Slater (who amped up his star wattage by bringing someone from a show with the word "Stars" in its title as his wedding date), and the woman who does the cloying voiceovers on Desperate Housewives. You know, A-listers.
3. Over-the-top extravagance.
Like this expensive Chanel couture gown that was clearly made from the scraps of other, better Chanel gowns.
Or accepting millions of dollars from a tabloid in exchange for the story of your overpriced wedding. That's pretty extravagant.
4. Wedding day insight from the bride and groom. Fans want to know why celebs made their wedding choices, Shuter says. "We'd prefer incredible access to B-list stars than to have A-list stars who don't want to cooperate."
An example of the super-insightful insight from OK!: "The bride-to-be wore Chanel for the ceremony. 'I wanted it to be as special as possible and was honored to wear Chanel couture,' Eva tells OK!. 'I felt like a princess!!!!!'"
You may be able to read elsewhere the monumental news that, yes, Longoria felt like a princess on her wedding day, but only OK! can deliver that insight with the exhilarating, 5-exclamation-point-level mania with which Longoria imbued her words. That excessively punctuated quote is worth $2 million alone.
5. Minutiae, minutiae, minutiae. Celeb-o-philes want to know about everything, from the vows and wedding cake to the first dance and dinner menu. "A wedding is such an intimate day in a person's life, and the details reveal an enormous amount of insight about a celebrity," Shuter says.
For instance, the fact that Longoria and Parker did a photo op at Disneyland Paris reveals that one of them is on an ABC show, and the fact that the couple had a "joint bachelor and bachelorette bash in St. Tropez the weekend before the wedding" reveals that Longoria and Parker's wedding planning consisted of asking themselves, "What would Diddy do?" over and over again. Thanks, Ok!