Eventually All The Holidays Will Be Ensemble Romantic Comedies Directed By Garry Marshall
Valentine's Day—the cinematic exercise in diffusion of responsibility strung together by Wil.i.am's musical dots—hasn't even destroyed comedy, romance, and America's patience for Queen Latifah in theaters yet, and it already has a sequel: New Year's Eve.
It's all part of Garry Marshall and New Line Cinema's plan to turn every holiday (and, when they run out of holidays, every day of the week) into a half-assed ensemble romantic comedy starring everyone in Hollywood so that, eventually, the movies become the holidays.
By 2030, the way we'll all celebrate Christmas or Wednesday is by watching Christmas Day or Wednesday, chuckling dispassionately at whatever now hopelessly irrelevant, holiday-or-day-of-the-week-related hijinks Ashton Kutcher performs, then going to work.
From Variety:
New Line's moving forward on "New Year's Eve," a spin-off from its upcoming ensemble comedy "Valentine's Day" with Garry Marshall expected to return as director.
Plans are to shoot "New Year's Eve" at the end of this year for release in late 2011 with "Valentine's Day" producers Mike Karz and Wayne Rice returning as well as screenwriter Katherine Fugate. Josie Rosen will exec produce and New Line execs Mike Disco and Sam Brown will oversee.
The story — with some of the same characters from "Valentine's Day" — would be set in New York City on New Year's Eve.
"Valentine's Day" will open Friday and has been showing respectable tracking, particularly among the young female demo. Cast includes Jessica Alba, Bradley Cooper, Anne Hathaway, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Ashton Kutcher, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Queen Latifah, Julia Roberts and Emma Roberts.
Sure, there's already a perfectly serviceable ensemble romantic comedy about people in New York City on New Year's Eve: 200 Cigarettes. But that movie was written in a time when movies had to be, you know, written, with a cohesive plot and everything. Valentine's Day proves that you don't need a plot and a couple of subplots to make a movie. All you need are a bunch of half-formed, holiday-related character notions, a Black-Eyed-Peas song, and a cast of stars so big they can only all fit on the poster in thumbnail-size images. Boom. That's your movie.
For example:
New Year's Eve, directed by Garry Marshall
Ashton Kutcher= liquor store clerk
George Lopez = Ashton's ethnic co-worker.
Queen Latifah = high-powered confetti executive who learns the true meaning of New Year's Eve
Anne Hathaway= illegal fireworks dealer who falls for one of her clients, the Guy From Grey's Anatomy.
Jamie Foxx= the New Year's Baby.
Jessica Alba= girl who drowns in a champagne fountain when no one comes to her New Year's Eve party.
Black Eyed Peas song: "Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night"
Flag Day, directed by Garry Marshall
Ashton Kutcher = guy who works at a flag store
George Lopez = Ashton's ethnic co-worker
Jessica Biel = mental patient who thinks she's Betsy Ross
Patrick Dempsey = patriotic psychiatrist who believes Jessica Biel isn't crazy. Maybe she is Betsy Ross?
Jamie Foxx= street performer who only dresses up like Franklin Pierce
Jennifer Garner = desperate single woman who marries the American flag
Queen Latifah = the Statue Of Liberty (in love with a captain of the Staten Island ferry played by Topher Grace)
Black Eyed Peas song: "Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night"
Labor Day, directed by Garry Marshall
Ashton Kutcher = guy who works specifically in the charcoal aisle of a supermarket
George Lopez = Ashton's ethnic co-worker
Anne Hathaway = gourmet hot dog manufacturer who falls for the president of Oscar Meyer, Bradley Cooper
Queen Latifah= professional frisbee player
Taylor Swift = Taylor Swift but at a BBQ in the park with Zac Efron
Jessica Biel = the Type-A head of the parks department who ironically falls for
Jamie Foxx = a litterer
Black Eyed Peas song: "Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night"