Remember Smokey The Bear’s dire warning that only you can prevent forest fires? Well, the movie San Andreas has an even more worrisome warning: a giant wave of CGI effects is going to destroy your state, and there’s nothing you can do about it. After demolishing its box office competition this weekend, it seems the movie has turned its attention to a new target: Seismophobics. TMZ reports that in the wake of the film’s success, sales of earthquake disaster preparedness kits are spiking—especially for the good people at EarthQuakeStore.com. (Probable company motto: “We swear you’ll need this pen knife after California falls into the ocean.”)
The site reports that the movie has boosted sales of disaster kits by 300 percent, or roughly the same percentage increase of people who tried to buy A.I. robots after seeing Avengers: Age Of Ultron. The bestselling items include something called the Quake Alarm, which is a “glorified fire detector,” meaning that for $34.95 you can buy something that will detect the sound wave from an earthquake moments before you feel the shock. (“Hey, maybe we should finish up this raquetball game, I think I think the Quake Alarm going off.”) The other big seller mentioned is the Deluxe Emergency Preparedness Kit, which sounds not far from a doomsday prepper’s bug out bag:
For $250, you get a duffel bag for two which includes: sleeping bags, emergency food bars, orange safety vests, a folding hand saw, candles, fire starter sticks, water purification kit …and everything else you’d pack for a weekend camping trip.
The orange safety vests are especially important, because once the earthquake has destroyed everything around you, how else will the other survivors know you possess a Deluxe Emergency Preparedness Kit? Probably best to start wearing it now, because you never know when the big one will hit.
The company reports sales of $100,000 off just the kits alone in the past two weeks. In that spirit of enterprise, The A.V. Club would like to make available for sale the following products, for any readers worried about what to do in case of an earthquake:
- Quake Diet Pills: It’ll be easier to survive in the post-disaster wasteland if you’re looking your best! Also, you can trade them for cigarettes.
- Post-Earthquake Earth Replenishers: These are large handfuls of earth (also known as “dirt”), so that you can fill up the giant crack running through your backyard. When you think “Earthquake,” think “earth.”
- Quake Pogs: Once banks no longer exist, pog contests will be the primary form of exchange, so get yours today! Also, you can trade them for cigarettes.
- The Making Of San Andreas coffee table book: Someday, your children may want to know how the calendar was reset to year one. This will be their Bible. Or, if you don’t have kids, you can trade it for cigarettes.
- Cigarettes. But with The Rock’s face on them, or something.