February 22, 2006

Every time I watch ESPN or Spike TV I see these
commercials for Enzyte "natural male enhancement." Does that shit actually
work? Not that I'm small or anything, but I'm a divorced, middle-aged,
chain-smoking, overweight single guy that lives in a trailer park. The only
things I've got going are a steady job and a car that runs. (Most guys in this
park don't have either.) The only girls I can get are the crack whores that
live here (of which there are tons). I'd love to land a normal woman, but don't
know what to do. I figure a few more inches downstairs wouldn't hurt,
especially if all I have to do is take a pill every day.

Wants A Big One

Are those awful Enzyte
commercials still on TV? It's been a while since I caught one, and I was hoping
that whoever was selling that Enzyte crap had gone out of business (and whoever
had a hand in putting together their annoying commercials had been, I don't
know, electrocuted or something). But I guess Enzyte isn't going to go out of
business until something causes the collective IQ of gullible, small-dicked men
everywhere to spike, and that may be a long, long way off.

Look, WABO, if you live in
a trailer park, you can't afford to take an Enzyte pill every day. Even if they
made your dick bigger—which they don't—they're expensive. While
Enzyte commercials, built around a grinning idiot named Bob, strongly imply
that taking the pills made Bob's dick bigger (Bob, after Enzyte, is "living
large"), the company's own website is careful to stress that these pills, which
are herbal supplements, don't make your dick any bigger. So what do they do?
They "may help your body achieve fuller, stronger erections" because the pills
are "designed to help maintain blood flow and create firmer, fuller-feeling
erections." They're not promising you a bigger dick, just better circulation.

And improving your
circulation is something you can do for free. Quit smoking and get some
exercise, WABO, and that "may help" you achieve "fuller-feeling erections,"
much to the delight of the crack whores down at the trailer park.

When it's explained to
miserable, small-dicked men that pills won't make their dicks any bigger, most
ask if surgery will help. Sorry, no. In a little bit of bad news released,
cruelly enough, on Valentine's Day of this year, researchers in London said
that most men who have penis-enlargement surgery are not satisfied with the
results.

"For patients with
psychological concern about the size of the penis," Nim Christopher, a
urologist at St. Peter's Andrology Center in London told Reuters, "there is
little point in offering them surgery, because it makes no difference." And if
what you're after is a "few more inches," WABO, even surgery can't help you.
"The average increase in length is 1.3 centimeters (.5 inches), which isn't
very much, and the dissatisfaction rate was in excess of 70 percent," Dr.
Christopher told Reuters, before adding that the spam advertising
penis-enlargement surgery gave men unrealistic expectations.

Tell me about it, Doc. I
get emails every day from men who've tried "male-enhancement" pills and, with
their dicks no bigger, want to know if I think surgery might help. Guys: The
pills don't work, the surgery doesn't work—nothing works. There oughta be
a law against advertising "cures" for small dicks. It's cruel and it
discourages miserable, small-dicked men from the only real cure for their
unhappiness: acceptance.

Got a small dick? As I've
written dozens of times before, there's nothing you can do about it. So accept
what you've got, guys, learn to use it to maximum advantage, refuse to
apologize for it, and don't waste money or mental energy on pills or surgery.
Once you've reconciled yourself to the meat God gave you, ask yourself these
questions: How thick are my fingers? How big are my forearms? How long is my
tongue? Big cocks are nice, they have their fans, but if you don't qualify for
the big-dick Olympics, then make the most of what you do have.

This is not really a question about sex, but I
couldn't think of any other gay person who could give me a reasonable answer:
Am I a homophobe if I make certain jokes regarding gayness? For instance, if I
say, "The Olympics are gay," or ask, "Why are you so gay?" I don't feel as
though I'm a homophobe. I know and like gay people, and I'm for gay civil
rights and gay marriage. Also, if I hear somebody call a homosexual person
names in an angry or blatantly derogatory manner, I get upset. So can I call my
buddy gay if he tells me he uploaded a Phil Collins CD onto his computer, or
should I just call him a dumbshit instead?

Fine With Fags, Really

Officially, FWFR? It's so
not okay to use "gay" as a synonym for lame. When you use "gay" like that,
you're reinforcing a cultural prejudice against gay people—I mean duh,
right? You may not be a homophobe, but using that expression is homophobic, and
when you use it, you're helping to sustain the prejudice that deprives your gay
friends of their civil rights and marriage rights.

Unofficially, FWFR? I
don't care what you do. Most of the gay people I know use "that's so gay" the
same way you do, and the few times I've overheard strangers using the
expression, people who may or may not have been gay, I had to concede the
point: The thing they were tagging as so gay was, in fact, so gay.

Finally, FWFR, a buddy who
uploads a Phil Collins CD onto his computer isn't a dumbshit, he's a douchebag.
Please make a note of it.

I am a woman in my 20s. I met this guy, call
him "Phil," in the town where I live. I didn't know that much about him, but
after hanging out a couple of times, we ended up in bed. That happened twice
before I discovered what a dickhead he was. Let's say our dealings ended when I
punched him in the face in a bar. Not classy, but satisfying, and it's
something I've never apologized for or explained to anyone. The problem now
comes from the fact that I had sex with this guy. Apparently the men in my town
gossip more than women, and it's common knowledge that I slept with Phil. I
have had other guys reference this fact and have been turned down for dates because
of it. Obviously people have a low opinion of Phil, and I seem to be caught up
in it now that I slept with him. Since I am not planning on moving out of town,
how do I deal with the situation? Is it fair that I get rejected because of one
skank dickhead?

Minding My Manners

You punched a guy in the
face in a bar full of people, MMM, something you've never bothered to justify
to anyone—including me—and you're wondering why all the other guys
in town aren't lining up to fuck you? Gee, maybe it's because they're afraid
you're a psycho? Maybe when your name comes up in conversation, all the men in
town shake their heads and say, "That bitch is crazy."

What's more, MMM, it's
entirely possible that whatever the guys in town think of Phil, they regard you
as skanky on your merits alone.

Confidential to everybody: "Pearl necklace" is
out. "Cheney" is in. Pass it on.