A dramatization of a mass-market psychological tome executive-produced by Red Shoe Diaries mastermind Zalman King, and directed by a former talent agent, Female Perversions is every bit as terrible as its pedigree would lead you to expect. Tilda Swinton (Orlando) plays a high-powered, glammed-up attorney who—and here's a bit of never-before-seen taboo-shattering—sleeps with both men and women. Her primary perversion, however, seems to be a tendency to lapse into hallucinatory dream sequences packed with straight-outta-film-school imagery (crucifix-shaped pools, mud-caked Mexicans, tightropes, characters dressed up as playing cards, etc.). Her life is complicated by the arrest of her Ph.D.-candidate sister on charges of shoplifting, an experience that forces her to confront her past and an ugly childhood incident involving Melrose Place's Marcia Cross. Female Perversions is a ridiculously pretentious piece of work, so flawed in its conception that it probably saw the light of day only because of its sexy title. That characters are transparently meant to stand in for ideas and types meant to represent all women (unhappy would-be housewife, sexy-but-savvy stripper, etc.) is bad enough; that the film's tone constantly trumpets its own importance is unforgivable. Swinton's hammy performance suggests that she at least sees the film as a send-up of something, but with its Freud-by-way-of-Midnight Cowboy insights into the problems faced by politically ambitious, bisexual, fashion-conscious female attorneys in California, she may just be mocking the terrible movie in which she regrets agreeing to star.