Florida approves plans to reopen Walt Disney World to coronavirus, some humans

As with Universal, Disney has devised a whole series of new standards it intends to use to make attending its parks safer, if not, you know, safe. That includes mandatory masks, contactless payment systems, and—and we can already feel buttholes clenching nationwide among the “WE’RE A DISNEY FAMILY!” set for this one—the cancellation of events like parades, fireworks, and “other activities that create crowds.” (Seriously, you know they’re already trying to figure out how to talk to the coronavirus’ manager.) When questioned about whether or not Disney World itself constitutes an “activity that creates crowds,” the company’s executives reminded us that la la la, they can’t hear us.

Disney has said it’s lost about a billion dollars from its parks division this summer; it’s making moves toward getting Disneyland in California re-opened as well. The re-openings come as part of what feels like a wider wave of attempts to ease up on lockdown precautions, despite the absence of a vaccine for COVID-19, or even—still—reliable, readily available testing methods for the disease in most regions of the country. Sea World’s opening back up, too, so that’s just fuckin’ great.