Four unfortunate singers hear the words “You are not The Voice!”

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Tuesday, April 3. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICK

The Voice (NBC, 9 p.m.): At the end of nine episodes that, at turns, displayed that The Voice is a legitimate alternative to other televised singing competitions and cut from the exact same cloth as those competitions, the show says “Fuck it: If it auditions like a singing competition, edits contestant back-story montages like a singing competition, and doles out fishy notes about sounding ‘pitchy’ like a singing competition, it’s a singing competition.” So, after last night’s first live show, four pop-star hopefuls twist in the wind of popular opinion while the coaches toss insults at one another, entirely untethered by the constraints of post-production editing. Emily Yoshida is just looking forward to a world without Cheesa.

Raising Hope (Fox, 8 p.m.): With New Girl installed as the legitimate hit among the Fox Tuesday-night comedies, Shannon Woodward is forced to wear a pair of comically oversized glasses. Who’s that girl? It’s Sabrina! (And just for that, Phil Dyess-Nugent is forcing us to put a dollar in the office Douchebag Jar.)

Ringer (The CW, 9 p.m.): “If You’re Just An Evil Bitch Then Get Over It” screams tonight’s typical mouthful an episode title. For those of you keeping score at home—and Carrie Raisler knows you are—that brings the Unofficial Ringer Inflammatory Episode Title Tally to 3 “kills”, 2 “bitch”s, 1 “shut up,” 1 “ho-bag,” 1 “whore,” and a poorly green-screened partridge in a pear tree.

New Girl (Fox, 9 p.m.): Winston is the only person who knows Schmidt and Cece are secretly sleeping together, which, according to our edition of Classic Sitcom Tropes, ought to be secretly tearing him apart. The last time Erik Adams had a secret, he made the situation double farcical by blurting out the truth during a performance of The Importance Of Being Earnest.

Justified (FX, 10 p.m.): You know what would be a really fun way to spend the penultimate episode of Justified’s third season? Watching the various players in Harlan County scramble to find Mags Bennett’s fortune à la It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World. As it stands, Scott Tobias will settle for the one-off adventure of Boyd And Dickie, Treasure Hunters.

The Muppet Show (noon): The Muppet Show writers dropped plenty of tremendous puns over the course of the series, but few as eminently repeatable as the one that opens George Burns’ stop by The Muppet Theater: “Gonzo fiddles while George Burns.” It’s enough for Erik Adams to consistently confuse it with the legend about Nero and the Great Fire of Rome.

American Experience: Grand Coulee Dam (PBS, 8 p.m.): A dam documentary, with 90 minutes of dam footage and dam information about one of the crucial dam projects of Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s New Deal. Be sure to stay tuned until the end—you don’t want to miss a dam thing.

Dance Moms: Miami (Lifetime, 9:30 p.m.): In which dance instructor/professional screamer Abby Lee Miller is replaced by hard-boiled cop David Caruso. (Looks like you can teach an old dog… new steps [Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaahh!]). Either that, or it’s a Miami-based spin-off of the popular Lifetime reality show. Depends on which reality you want to live in.

No Kitchen Required (BBC America, 10 p.m.): Finally: Chopped meets Survivor and The Amazing Race in an unholy reality-TV mash-up. It’s not our dream of a Wipeout–Bachelor Pad hybrid where giant boxing gloves are constantly knocking the bachelors and bachelorettes into the hot tub by, but it’ll do in a pinch.

Savage U (MTV, 11 p.m.):Having schooled thousands of unsuspecting Google users in the true meaning of “Santorum,” sex-and-relationship columnist Dan Savage directs his bedroom knowhow at people who are actually seeking it: College students. If his mailbag wasn’t already full of people seeking solace after a drunken hookup, the MTV cutting-room floors certainly will be.

History Of The World, Part I (IFC, 8 p.m.): Mel Brooks never intended on making a sequel to his episodic historical send-up, but there’s enough wordplay and innuendo in the five segments of History Of The World, Part I to fill an entire 10-film comedic saga. How did he fit them into a single film? It’s a Miracle!

Lover Come Back (TCM, 8 p.m.): You’d think that after Doris Day fell for the old mistaken-identity trick in Pillow Talk, she’d be able to see through Rock Hudson’s ruse in the Madison Avenue-set Lover Come Back—but then you’d be conflating screen actors with their onscreen characters, which is kind of dumb. Delbert Mann’s witty romantic comedy won’t insult your intelligence like that, however.

NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship: Notre Dame vs. Baylor (ESPN, 8:30 p.m.): One of the three losses the Fighting Irish suffered this season came at the hands of the Lady Bears—and they’re looking to keep it that way as March Madness comes to an official close in Denver.

Smash (Monday): Think Marilyn: The Musical was a disaster before? What happens when the director’s threatening to walk out, the book writer is in a messy argument with her husband, and the intended stars are squabbling over an orange-juice commercial? Noel Murray stands by to pick up the pieces.