Apologies to anyone anxiously waiting another weekly installment of mocking and misery, but unfortunately I need to put the full-length version of Friday Buzzkills on a brief hiatus while I tend to Austin's increasingly imminent Decider duties. I promise once our ship is fully righted I'll be right back here, mining the same old inconsequential crap for cheap laughs and putting it into my signature purple prose. In the meantime, however, please accept the cold comfort of this condensed "digest." Let's get quippy!
– Hollywood hates conservatives! Take it from An American Carol actor Kelsey Grammer, who has seen makeup trailers "sporting signs warning Republicans to keep out"! Why, it's just like segregation out there!
– Even fake Republicans aren't safe—like this news anchor who was brutally beaten, stabbed, and left for dead after playing a thinly veiled version of Ann Coulter in W.! Be careful out there, Stephen Colbert!
– And yet, Bill O'Reilly just signed a contract giving him four more years to invite people he disagrees with onto his show so he can cut their mics and yell at them! (By the way, that's called "winning an argument"!)
– Underappreciated British band The Long Blondes has broken up after guitarist Dorian Cox suffered a stroke that left him unable to play anymore. In other news, The Fratellis are feeling a-okay!
– Jay Leno's insatiable thirst for vintage cars indirectly caused this guy to kill himself! Hey, anybody got a funny headline?
– A "former child actor" whose biggest credit was a non-speaking role on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers tied a married couple to an anchor and tossed them off their own yacht, then slit another guy's throat! Triplemurderzord!
– Our beloved snark sensei and creator of the annual "Worst-Dressed List" Mr. Blackwell has died at the age of 86, is currently in Heaven summing up the angels' outfits as "Pure Philadelphia cream cheese."
Have a super weekend! (See you on the other side.)