According to a totally unsubstantiated, and almost definitely false rumor in the online version of a British tabloid today, a Friends movie is hanging over our heads like a heavy black cloud ready to rain down mediocrity.
From the (dubious) source:
The highly anticipated film production of TV series Friends has finally been given the go-ahead, MailOnline has learned. Cast members Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Matthew Perry, Matt LeBlanc, Lisa Kudrow and David Schwimmer will reprise their roles for a big-screen adaptation 'within the next 18 months', according to insiders.
The actors have been inspired by the recent success of Sex And The City, which recently hit cinemas worldwide.
A source said: 'Jennifer, Courteney and the rest of the cast are keen to reprise their roles, under the right circumstances. The box office success of Sex And The City has really got their wheels spinning about how a Friends film could be just as big, if done right.'
Right. The cast is "keen" to do the movie, because that's exactly how people in Hollywood talk, i.e. like overworked British tabloid writers. But wait! There's more:
'Timing and the script are really important, but now that Courteney and Jen both have production companies, they can potentially get very involved in those decisions.'
Well, Jen & Courteney, look no further. Over the years, I've only seen three episodes of Friends in their entirety, and thus far I've managed to avoid the roughly 8000 Friends episodes airing in a kind of hideous syndication feedback loop every week since the show ended, but I think I have gleaned enough information about the show, the actors, and the characters to write a Friends: The Movie script that will do the show justice. Below, a sample:
[INT. Central Perk, the cozy, largely fiberglass coffee shop where the gang all hang out on overstuffed sofas. CHANDLER, MONICA, ROSS, RACHEL, PHOEBE, and JOEY are all sitting around drinking coffee out of gigantic brightly colored mugs despite the fact that it's 2:30pm on a weekday. An effigy of Brad Pitt burns in the background, giving the back of Central Perk an eerie orange glow.]
ROSS: Remember when I used to have a monkey? [looking back at the effigy] That's weird.
RACHEL: [absentmindedly patting her RACHEL wig] Ya think? I kinda like it. [insert laugh track] [whispers to MONICA] At least it's keeping my mind off of the fact that I have a crush on JOEY this week. [insert "oooooh!" track]
MONICA: Again? God, I wish there was something I could clean here. I love cleaning!
MONICA opens her purse, takes out a feather duster and begins dusting RACHEL's RACHEL wig. [insert laugh track]
CHANDLER: [to MONICA] Could you be any more of a neat freak?
MONICA: Oh, honey. I'm so glad I ended up with you and your catchphrase.
JOEY: [to burning effigy of Brad Pitt] How you doin?
CHANDLER: [to MONICA] It could have been a lot worse, that's for sure.
CHANDLER and MONICA embrace. [insert "Awww!" track] MONICA dusts CHANDLER's back with the feather duster. [insert laugh track]
PHOEBE: I'm wacky! Smelly Cat!
[laugh track crescendos as a bulldozer crashes through Central Perk's front window, crushing everything in its path. Fade to black as the slow, mournful strains of "Smelly Cat" begin to play.]
THE END.