Over the weekend, the New York Times ran an article about Girls Gone Wild creator, reporter-assaulter, and important footnote in the Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn romance, Joe Francis. Apparently, now that Francis is in jail, he is trying to transition from "'No boobs, no beads' and 'She looked 18 to me' Joe Francis" to "'Normal, Everyday Joe' Joe Francis"–a daunting task, considering the layers and layers of sleaze that encase his reputation like blubber.
As part of his reputation makeover, Francis has started MeetJoeFrancis.com, a website that is like crawling inside the world's biggest ego, or licking the floor of a frat house, sometimes both. There are semi-coherent ramblings ("If life is a ride, which it surely is, then mine has got to be the balls-out wildest roller coaster in the park."), an extremely long-winded autobiography, and a-stupid-to-the-point-of-offensive FAQ section ("Do you consider yourself the new Hugh Hefner? Do you really have a private jet?")–all of which are supposed to convince the general public that Joe Francis is an everyday person, and not a walking pile of arrogance and potential sexual assault.
To that end, the site also has a "Friends" section full of testimonials from some of Francis' treasured aquaintances, including a few (very) minor celebrities! How minor? Well, there's one from Lance Bass:
Joe has been very supportive of not only myself, but of the gay community. It is nice to know that someone who runs an empire geared at the heterosexual community has so much compassion for people who are not his "target market" and never judges or discriminates his friendships based on differing views.
– Lance Bass
Wow, Lance. So Joe Francis is nice to gay people, even though he doesn't have to be? He truly is a great human being. I didn't know that mild tolerance was praiseworthy. It's like giving someone credit for wearing shoes, or not going feral.
Then there's Kim Kardashian's ringing endorsement:
Joe is invariably the life of the party. He's crazy. But he's also sensitive, loving, and extraordinarily generous. He's always been like a big brother — which is probably why he has never tried anything with me!
– Kim Kardashian
Translation: "He's never, not even once attempted to sexually assault me. Isn't that sweet?"
But the best way to win America's heart is a curt, impersonal quote from a man who slaps his name on anything. Lucky for Joe Francis, he has that too!
Joe is one of the great entrepreneurs.
– Donald Trump
See? Joe Francis is just like you and I–if, you know, you and I were in jail and collecting friend endorsments from failed astronauts/former boy-banders, despicable reality show stars, and Trump.