Once, the relics of celebrity could be encountered only in museums and theme restaurants, but the coming of the Internet has changed all that. The same invention that grants a voice to everyone from the president to the lowliest Babylon 5 fan has also democratized the detritus of stardom, allowing anyone with temerity, a little cash, and an eBay account to own secondhand glitz. Here are a few items recently encountered on eBay amid Jake Busey's Starship Troopers uniform and the slightly scuffed Nine West-brand shoes of M*A*S*H star Loretta Swit.
Item #2227050930
"Collective Soul Signed 'Autographed Hat'"
Selling points: Described as "never worn" and "baseball Style," this hat features the signatures of all the members of Collective Soul, giving it an edge over items missing the signature of notoriously shy bassist Will Turpin.
Bidding history: "[It's] time for it to go to a real fan of the group," Wyoming-based eBayer "stoutsuds" declared in the item description. To that end, stoutsuds opened the bidding at a fan-friendly $1. After seven days of fierce bidding, real fan "aracinut" picked it up for $5.50.
Does it have a practical use? Could be used while playing any number of baseball-style games.
Other possible uses: This Halloween, why not dress up as a Collective Soul fan?
Item #3389714664
"Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen Twins Worn Signed Bikini RARE"
Selling points: Apparently passed on from an event called "Givin' Up Your Duds For Charity," this two-piece bathing suit sports a lovely multi-colored striped pattern and the word "Ashley" scrawled on its crotch.
Bidding history: Bidding records remained sealed in this private auction, but the anonymous lucky winner had to plunk down $265 and surpass 25 other bids for the privilege of handling Ashley Olsen's old laundry.
Does it have a practical use? Perfect for fashion-conscious, beach-going girls, particularly those named Ashley.
Other possible uses: None that need be mentioned here.
Item #3800360232
"Moe Howard 3 Stooges Personal Cancelled Check"
Selling points: Not merely a cancelled check, this payment of $13.37 to Riverview Launderers And Cleaners, dated June 2, 1972, comes freighted with almost-mystical significance, if its seller is to be believed. "Just think," the item description gushes, "the very fingers that poked the eyes and slapped the faces of Larry, Curly, Shemp, Joe, and Curly Joe were also used to sign this check." Yes, just think about that.
Bidding history: Though two bids brought the price up to $162 from a $150 start, the check went unsold after failing to meet the undisclosed reserve.
Does it have a practical use? Forgers attempting to pass themselves off as long-dead comedians might find some use for it.
Other possible uses: If folded properly, it could be used to inflict hilarious, Stooges-style bodily harm on friends.
Item #3388746701
"CHILL FACTOR Skeet Ulrich Costume"
Selling points: Is it possible to look better than Skeet Ulrich in the 1999 action-adventure film Chill Factor? Buyers recently had a chance to live the dream by obtaining a piece of cinematic history: the plaid shirt and matching black T-shirt/jeans ensemble worn by Ulrich in scenes 176-257.
Bidding history: After duking it out with "starwornmemorabillia," "zsoundx" picked up the Ulrich ensemble for $89.05. In a separate auction, "zsoundx" also bought an Ulrich bandana from the same film, raising the possibility that "zsoundx" is either opening a Skeet Ulrich museum, or is Ulrich himself.
Does it have a practical use? Has proven an effective wardrobe for those wishing to pal around with Cuba Gooding Jr. and transport dangerous biological materials in ice-cream trucks.
Other possible uses: Though the wardrobe tag notes that it features a "bullet hole in pants" and "dirt from fall," the outfit is still perfect for evenings requiring that touch of Skeet.
Item #2693148273
"Redd Foxx Silver Pocket Watch"
Selling points: Does a pocket watch owned by Redd Foxx need any further selling points? Sure, the key is "not available" and the "watch evidently needs a barrel escapement," but anyone strutting around with Redd Foxx's watch always knows what time it is.
Bidding history: Bidding opened at $199. No takers.
Does it have a practical use? Not really, except when it actually is 11:43.
Other possible uses: Serves as a constant reminder that somewhere in the world, a Sanford And Son rerun is always playing.
Item #3800520411
"*Jim Belushi James Taylor '82 Tour Shirt"
Selling points: Obtained "from Jim Belushi's personal closet" (presumably with his consent), this vintage XL concert tee allows wearers to feel doubly cool by simultaneously expressing their love for vintage James Taylor and for Jim Belushi. It may be a bit faded with the years, but keep in mind that Belushi's very own sweat did the fading.
Bidding history: The sole bidder scooped it up at the sub-1982 price of $14.99.
Does it have a practical use? Covers the upper half of the body with the wistfully melancholy smile of Sweet Baby James himself.
Other possible uses: Belushi residue may be effective in someday cloning Jim Belushi.