God, no: Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop are oozing onto Netflix

Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand, Goop, has a reputation for shilling snake oil and “wellness” practices—like “bee sting therapy”—that can literally kill you. So blatant is Goop’s hucksterism that a media watchdog group filed a formal complaint in 2017 with more than 50 examples of the company making “deceptive health and disease-treatment claims to promote products in violation of the law.” Last year, the company was forced to hire its first fact-checker, a demand Paltrow met with a weary sigh.

It’s exciting, then, to learn that Netflix is developing a Goop-centered project. A documentary series investigating its shady claims, perhaps? Exposés on its lineup of “experts”? Maybe a searing drama about those driven to bankruptcy and madness by so many useless healing stickers, sex powders, and vagina eggs?

Or how about a series made in conjunction with Goop, wherein Paltrow and her rich pals offer you advice on “issues relating to physical and spiritual wellness”? Because that’s what we’re getting. Variety reports that Netflix is partnering with Goop for a series of 30-minute episodes hosted by Paltrow and chief content officer Elise Loehnen, who will “utilize experts, doctors, and researchers” to convince you medicine is bad and $80 crystals are good. It premieres this fall.

But Goop isn’t content to just glom onto Netflix. It’s also seeping into Delta Airlines flights, where the company’s eponymous podcast will leak into your ears, its pastel tendrils unfurling down your throat and snarling around your heart. As activated charcoal drips from your every orifice, Paltrow and co. will be hard at work on more podcasts, as well as a food program and a book club. A frothing wave of glitter, Goop will eventually crash over us all, its contentment arriving only when every human is slicked in a translucent sheen of goat’s milk and honey mud.