Halloween becomes properly scary with introduction of candy corn-stuffed bratwurst

Each October, the world re-litigates the deliciousness of candy corn, a seasonal treat that is, to our minds, nothing more than an inoffensive way to explore eating wax without suffering any (serious) digestive side effects as a result. While we believe all food questions barring cannibalism and meal cubes can be answered with a blanket live and let live policy, it seems now that maybe the candy corn detractors were right to rail against the Halloween staple.

Maybe, if we’d listened to them, the “candy corn bratwurst” would never have been created.

ABC7 reports that this abomination has been called forth from the porcine abyss by Madison, Wisconsin’s Jenifer Street Meat Market. It’s been dubbed a “spook-toberfest brat,” given the argument-inviting description of being “slightly sweet and not scary at all,” and is made with pork, beer, and, of course, candy corn.

A video of the sausages shows them lying in pale links with bright orange sugar tumors glowing just beneath their casing. The man responsible for these sights, Justin Strassman, told the hews, “Somebody said this should be a felony offense” but that he “[doesn’t] think I’ve done anything wrong.”

Perhaps because he doesn’t want to find himself as the secret ingredient in Jenifer Street Meat Market’s next invention, a local news anchor ate one, saying “it was good,” “salty and sweet,” and that “the candy corn actually melt when they heat it up, so it kind of disperses the sweetness throughout.”

Presumably just after looking over his shoulder to see Strassman looking at him behind the meat counter menacingly, he added: “I ate the whole brat, the whole thing. I wanted another one.”

Maybe, in light of this insult to all pig-kind, the wild boars are right to be out there attacking every human they find.

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