We must come to terms with the Big Red Harrison Ford

Ever since it became clear—’round about the first poster, which showed a giant red hand gripping Captain America’s shield—that the upcoming Captain America: Brave New World was going to be pursuing a particular comic book plotline when it came to the character of General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross, we’ve been emotionally preparing ourselves. The reasons, in hindsight, were obvious: With the knowledge that Harrison Ford was taking over the part (previously portrayed by the late William Hurt) it became increasingly clear that we were going to be spending a lot of time between now and Valentine’s Day 2025 contemplating the sight of a giant, red, shirtless Han Solo with Hulk muscles, and his CGI nipples on full display. This is not the kind of mental image that can be approached haphazardly.

Interestingly, it feels like Marvel understands the dark fascination that Harrison The Big Red Ford will have on a certain kind of mind already on the verge of derangement, having used images of Ford hulking out as the final stinger of a new video it released today promoting the company’s 85th anniversary. The video itself is that particular blend of hagiography and marketing you’ve seen in other such “inspirational” clips, praising classic creators who are too conveniently dead to raise a stink about their creations making the studio billions without any great need to share, mixed with a few looks at new movies and whatever the last thing to actually work at the box office was. (There’s a disproportionate amount of Deadpool & Wolverine, of course.) The whole thing cuts out, and then: Giant red Harrison Ford nipples, providing fun and enrichment for the entire family. (“Look, gramma, you can see your whole face reflected in them!”)

If you’re looking for the comic book explanation for this spectacle, it’s not complicated: About 16 years ago, Marvel decided to tick the “villain who is just the hero but bigger and meaner” box for The Incredible Hulk, and introduced the Red Hulk. (People call him “Rulk,” we present factually, with no judgment attached.) A few years later, it was revealed that said Hulk was the bigger, angrier version of General Ross, whose role in the comics up until then had basically been spending 50 years providing tanks and planes for the Hulk to tear apart with his bare hands in an Ahab-esque quest to bring his big green nemesis down. The big twist with Captain America, then—at least, to our outsiders’ eyes—is that Ross is somehow also president now in the MCU continuity, making him America’s first Hulk-American Commander-in-Chief. Also, he’s got Harrison Ford’s pained, aged face sitting atop the load of computer Silly Putty making up the rest of his body, which feels uniquely horrifying to our minds.

Hence this little PSA, because Marvel has made it clear that the Big Red Harrison Ford is coming, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. We don’t know what Ford did to the CGI Artists of America to make them use him as their guinea pig, first for their most caustic de-aging potions, and now for this, but we hope they will someday relent in the face of the obvious horrors they’ve wrought. In the meantime, we can only do our daily exercises—exposing ourselves to a little of the sprawling CGI chest hair, or just a few glimpses at those shiny, shiny teeth—to prepare our bodies, because the Harrison Ford Hulk is real, he can hurt us, and he’ll be here sooner than you think.