While Stephen Colbert is famous (or “darn famous,” as he put it), he doesn’t claim to know all the answers. At least that’s what the Late Show host maintained on Thursday’s show, claiming his only real skills are “how to wear a tie and occasionally talk to Nicki Minaj.” Luckily, fame has its perks—like knowing tons more famous people. So, in a bit presumably cooking over the last month or so of interviews with his fancy celebrity guests, Colbert unveiled a viewer mail segment called “Dear Famous People,” where his fellow A-to-B listers offered up life advice from their lofty, all-seeing perspectives. It went about as humorously well as you might expect, as the likes of David Duchovny, Helen Hunt, Wyatt Cenac, Jeff Daniels, Sharon Stone, Simon Pegg, and recent Emmy winner Henry Winkler took a shot at thinking like the rest of us non-famous folk.
A guy struggling with his girlfriend’s reluctance to have kids? That’s too tough for Jeff Daniels, who switched the subject to something we all can agree on. Also a toughie for Duchovny, whose “rule of threes” running gag throughout the bit centered solely on ferret-based advice, while Wyatt Cenac’s choice of some light kidnapping is probably worth running past a lawyer first. That neighbor who won’t mow his lawn? Simon Pegg’s plan involving some dubious British folk figures and an involuntary commitment should fix that right up. Stone’s suggestions all involve ice picks, naturally, while Winkler was super-enthused about the problem-solving potential of wolves. Hunt, at least, was regally honest in her response, urging a woman irritated about sending her grandma thank you notes to do whatever the hell she wants, since it’s simply not her problem—Helen Hunt is a star.