Here are some of the FCC's Miley Cyrus complaints, as delivered by some of film's most impassioned speakers

As you can tell from the depth of your stigmata, it’s now been several weeks since Miley Cyrus’ performance at the VMAs plunged the nation into darkness like an innocent novelty foam finger, and still the FCC has yet to do anything about her butt and all the terrible things it did that night. While some might argue that it is not technically the FCC’s responsibility to take action—given that MTV is cable television, and therefore isn’t under the FCC’s jurisdiction, or responsible to the Founding Fathers’ vision for butt stuff—161 people know differently: The Smoking Gun has compiled all of the many outraged complaints the FCC received about Cyrus’ performance, demanding that it take the only reasonable action in this scenario and harshly punish MTV and Cyrus for those few moments of television the complainants watched instead of changing the channel, so disgusted were they by the shockingly lewd, titillating, filthy, naughty things that they will now describe in lurid and unsparing detail.

As with all erotica, the complaints are worth reading in full, at your leisure, perhaps while grinding your buttocks against the older male musician or stuffed animal of your choosing. But here are a few of the most compelling lines from these arguments for America to staunch the rising tide of Miley Cyrus’ butt, which—to put them in the proper context—we have reimagined as delivered by some of pop culture’s most impassioned orators.

(All spellings, like estimations of our nation's moral failings, are correct.)