Back in February, weary digital travelers rode through Internet river and vale, facing untold hardships and threats lurking in the darkness, to bring us tale of a world of fantasy that Ice-T thinks is fucking stupid. The rapper, actor, and server of hot dick-bowls was heard on his podcast telling listeners of his travails through the “deep, deep, deep nerd shit” of a Dungeons & Dragons audiobook, which Ice-T had been hired to narrate after producers saw how deftly he dealt with make-believe creatures on Ice Loves Coco. It was an arduous, hero’s journey of the sort that Ice-T finds really irritating. And now you can hear some excerpts of Ice-T’s encounters with these mythical beings and far-off places, and listen as Ice-T barely sublimates his rage at their names.
Something Awful put together the clips from R.A. Salvatore’s The Legend Of Drizzt anthology, whose narrating cast also included David Duchovny, “Weird Al” Yankovic, Felicia Day, Sean Astin, Wil Wheaton, Dan Harmon, Danny Pudi, and other celebrities from projects Ice-T would absolutely hate. For his part, Ice-T took on the short story, “Comrades At Odds,” which recounts an adventure shared by the dark elf Drizzt Do’Urden and his moon elf friend, Innovindil, and involves flying around on Pegasi, obtaining a sentient sword, and killing orcs. It also involves Ice-T being forced to talk about all of that.
Here’s a clip from the fantasy name-laden opening, in which the only words that Ice-T nails with any conviction are, fittingly, “complete derision.”
Here’s a fantastical scene of elves soaring about on their Pegasi, which Ice-T delivers in a tone that is best described as “How many more takes?”
Here Ice-T closes his eyes, remembering his days of navigating amongst the Bloods and Crips, committing crimes of youthful indiscretion, serving two years in prison, scrapping his way into the gangsta rap scene—all of it leading to this very moment. Ice-T opens his mouth and imitates a female moon elf.
And so on. At the risk of spoiling the magic, there is also a behind-the-scenes video, in which Ice-T explains exactly why he found the whole process intimidating. “This guy got a talking sword… It’s definitely far from where I grew up,” Ice-T says, recalling his hardscrabble upbringing on the streets of South Central, where they didn’t even have talking swords.
The Legend Of Drizzt is currently free to Audible members, if you like getting lost in far-off, talking sword-filled places, with a guy who sounds like he openly resents you for it.