In these times of national crisis, all Americans must do their part to keep the country strong, whether by flying the flag, sending letters of support to our troops overseas, or quashing dissent on college campuses. With the economy struggling and the holidays at hand, now is the perfect time to go about your daily life and purchase high-priced luxury items and a wide variety of gifts. Below are just some of the items The Onion A.V. Club's staff members will purchase for family and friends this holiday season. All patriotic Americans are urged to follow their lead.
Apparel
Greatness is found when American character and American courage overcome American challenges. Among the challenges many Americans face is insufficient headgear, but you can do your part by purchasing an assortment of attractive and functional hats from the good people at store.theonion.com. Exercise your hard-won freedom of choice by selecting from knit caps, baseball caps, and floppy vacationer hats.
Onion Knit Cap
$15.99 (Item #ON4002BKOS) (Buy It!)
Onion Baseball Cap
$17.99 (Item #ON4000STOS) (Buy It!)
Onion Vacationer Hat
$17.99 (Item #ON4001KHOS) (Buy It!)
In Taliban-ruled Afghanistan, women were prohibited from exposing their faces, leaving their homes unescorted, or pursuing an education. They certainly weren't afforded the opportunity to appear in public wearing attractive T-shirts boasting the progressive Western ideas of America's Finest News Source. Once you've gone to store.theonion.com and purchased shirts for yourself and your loved ones, think of the newly liberated women of Afghanistan. Your purchase and subsequent donation of durable, high-quality Onion headline and slogan shirts will go a long way toward maintaining freedom and pride in the long-oppressed Afghan people.
"I just love corporations!"
$14.00 (Item #ON1000WH) Buy It!)
"It's not a crack house, it's a crack home."
$14.00 (Item #ON1022WH) (Buy It!)
"I don't want to call any special attention to myself."
$14.00 (Item #ON1003WH) (Buy It!)
"I know what is best for everyone."
$14.00 (Item #ON1004WH) (Buy It!)
"I'm like a chocoholic, but for booze."
$14.00 (Item #ON1006WH) (Buy It!)
"You are dumb."
$14.00 (Item #ON1014WH) (Buy It!)
"I enjoy drinking beer."
$14.00 (Item #ON1015BK) (Buy It!)
"End racism. Kill everyone."
$14.00 (Item #ON1018WH) (Buy It!)
"Let the fucking begin."
$14.00 (Item #ON1019WH) (Buy It!)
"I am in a promising local band."
$14.00 (Item #ON1017BK) (Buy It!)
"Area Man"
$14.00 (Item #ON1001WH) (Buy It!)
"Area Woman"
$14.00 (Item #ON1005WH) (Buy It!)
"Your favorite band sucks."
$14.00 (Item #ON1016BK) (Buy It!)
In the wake of widespread crisis and turmoil, Americans are feeling a responsibility to get back to their everyday routines and stimulate the economy by buying armloads of consumer products. Now, you can kill two birds with one stone by purchasing an attractive, machine-washable T-shirt imprinted with an Onion front page. You'll help fuel the economy, but more importantly, you'll send a message that you won't let some madman keep you from sporting the stylish garments of your choice.
"Christ Returns To NBA"
$17.99 (Item #ON1007WH) (Buy It!)
"Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes"
$17.99 (Item #ON1008WH) (Buy It!)
"EPA Puts Good Single Men On Endangered Species List"
$17.99 (Item #ON1009WH) (Buy It!)
"Drugs Win Drug War"
$15.99 (Item #ON1010WH) (Buy It!)
"Holy Shit: Man Walks On Fucking Moon"
$15.99 (Item #ON1011WH) (Buy It!)
"World's Largest Metaphor Hits Ice-Berg"
$15.99 (Item #ON1012WH) (Buy It!)
Golf. Did the Taliban regime support it? It did not. Is golf an essential part of American life? Only a terrorist would ask such a question. What better way to say, "I'm not a golf-hating terrorist" than by purchasing an Onion golf shirt? And who's that hanging around with the golf shirts? Why, it's beloved mascot Crypty The Cryptosporidium and his pals, Onion Champion® Sweatshirt and Onion Ringer T-shirt! Why not purchase them, too, for America's sake?
Golf Shirt
$25.00 (Item #ON1021WH) (Buy It!)
Crypty The Cryptosporidium Shirt
$17.99 (Item #ON1013WH) (Buy It!)
Champion® Sweatshirt
$29.99 (Item #ON3000GY) (Buy It!)
Ringer Shirt
$16.99 (Item #ON1020WH) (Buy It!)