Hope in a box: The A.V. Club's guide to holiday gifts for the new era of good feelings
It's time for holiday shopping yet again, but this
year, things are different. The economy may tank, climate change may be
destroying the planet, and it may be too late to save America from her fate as
a Third World country, but there's new hope in the air, and it's Christmastime,
damn it, so we're going to party like it's 1999. We're also going to assist you
in finding the perfect gift for these troubled yet hopeful times.
For geeks who understand that without Jim
Henson, a black president would be impossible
Fraggle Rock: The Complete Series Collection ($140)
Jim Henson is dead, but we can still stand on the
shoulders of his Muppets and see the promised land. Henson always injected
ideas of social justice and general fairness into his shows, and nowhere more
directly than on his '80s show Fraggle Rock. Right off the bat, the
Fraggles learned about living in harmony with other races: In the series'
second episode, a Fraggle is happily enslaved (!), remarking that "sometimes
slavery feels like freedom." He eventually learned his lesson—as did the
millions of kids who grew up extra-liberal having watched the show.
Available at: DVD sellers everywhere
For let-down creationists who continue to
insist that dinosaurs and man walked the earth together
T-Rex Dinosaur Trophy Sculpture ($90)
This gem from the beloved-by-millions SkyMall
catalog offers incontrovertible proof that man not only lived with dinosaurs on
our 4,000-year-old planet, but also hunted them. (For further proof of the
former, see Land Of The Lost.) When liberal friends visit, offering their
"scientific" evidence that the planet is closer to 4.5 billion years old,
simply show them this piece.
Available at: Skymall.com
For those whose newfound optimism extends into
thinking they can just eat bacon products all the time without consequences
J&D;'s Ultimate Bacon Lover's Gift Pack
($39.99)
Even those who aren't instantly enamored of Bacon
Salt's taste have to respect the gusto of J&D;'s, which is putting bacon
where it belongs—at the forefront of every meal. This holiday pack
includes a bunch of new Bacon Salt flavors (applewood, cheddar, mesquite,
jalapeno, and maple) and a jar of the company's new product, Baconnaise. That's
right, J&D;'s has mixed the fatty goodness of mayonnaise with the taste of
bacon.
Available at: Baconsalt.com
For the interstellar optimist
Star
Trek Original Series Communicator ($29.99), Star Trek Pez Dispensers Set
($19.99), Captain Kirk's Chair ($2,700)
As America enters a new era of hope and ambition,
it's fitting that interest in Gene Roddenberry's humanistic Star Trek would rise again. Sure, that interest could vanish
at warp speed if J.J. Abrams screws up the big-screen remake, but old-school
fans can appreciate the small flood of merchandise appearing in the build-up to
its January release. Apart from the harmonious pairing of chocolate in peanut
butter, no candy better expresses Roddenberry's optimistic view of the future
than Pez, whose conversation-starting dispensers practically demand that their
treats be shared. And what better way to drive that message home than a set of
dispensers featuring likenesses of the original Trek cast? Need toys more than
candy? While cell-phone technology took the wonder out of Captain Kirk's
communicator, a new "action replica" from Art Asylum restores some of
the shine, thanks to cool series sound effects and a rotating array that's more
psychedelically hypnotic than any iPhone app. Finally, the truly devoted (and
deep-pocketed) can sail into the brighter future set to begin in 2009 in a
full-size replica of Kirk's chair, now available in all its blocky glory.
Unsure whether it's worth almost three grand? Consider this: It swivels. And it
features sound effects and recorded phrases like "Position report,
Spock!" Sometimes ushering in a new era of galactic peace means having
some photon torpedoes at your fingertips.
Available at: Candy and toy stores
nationwide; chair will reportedly be available at diamondselecttoys.com
For those once again ready to do the nasty
after years of getting shafted
Vulva Original perfume (19.90 Euros) / Sex
Panther cologne ($29.99)
One of these products is a joke based on a
throwaway gag in a movie; the other might make you gag because it's so
absolutely real. According to its website, Vulva Original is "not a perfume. It
is a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a smelling substance for your own
pleasure." It goes on to suggest that Vulva—guess the scent!—should
be applied to the back of the hand. Okay, more quotes: "the irresistible smell
that exudes from a sensuous vagina." Sex Panther, on the other hand, was
inspired by the movie Anchorman. Its tagline is funny: "60% of the time, it works
every time." Which is more appropriate for your mom or dad?
Available at: Smellmeand.com (Vulva), sex-panther.com (Sex
Panther)
For people driven to alcoholism and agoraphobia
by the past eight years
Guinness Home Pub
($250,000)
For those who love the experience of a perfectly
poured Guinness in an authentic Irish pub, but don't ever want to leave the
house, why not the Guinness Home Pub? The people at RiRa Pubs
will design a fully functional, traditional Irish pub and build it
in
your home in 2009. It will be crafted from historic Irish
architectural elements and authentic Guinness artifacts, and it includes
Guinness stout for a whole year.
Available at: Neimanmarcus.com
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For those so confident in the economy's
rebound, they're willing to spend $17 for a 50-cent piece
The Barack Obama Presidential Commemorative
Coin ($10 plus $7 shipping)
"Commemorate the most historic presidential
election of our time!" Sign us up! This set not only includes a Kennedy
half-dollar painted to commemorate Obama's election, it places said coin in a
"crystal clear acrylic coin capsule," and the whole thing is in a "handsome
gift box." There's even a reproduction of the prez-elect's signature, so you
can make your own legislation.
Available at: Franklinmint.com
For liberals who want compelling evidence for drug
legalization or conservatives who like to see cops "do what needs to be done"
The Wire: The Complete Series DVD box set ($250)
Chances are, you've encountered people who go on
and on about how you just have to see The Wire, about how it's the best
TV show ever made, and how it will BLOW. YOUR. MIND. with its preternatural
awesomeness. Well, they're correct. Even if you haven't given in yet—oh,
you will in time—you can make your Omar Little superfan's year with this
collection of the show's five seasons on 23 DVDs—60 hours of content. The
set also includes the three web-only prequels that show some characters' lives
before the series launches, as well as a never-before-seen gag reel. Sadly, it
isn't yet available on Blu-Ray, but any fan of the show will be psyched to have
all the seasons together. And The Wire also acts as a good pick-me-up in these
trying economic times: No matter how bad it gets, at least you don't live in
Baltimore.
Available at: DVD sellers everywhere
For social conservatives who can
only dull the pain of the new era with lots of booze, warmed by their own
bodies
The Beerbelly ($35) or The Winerack
($30)
Sporting events and beer are the new
bread and circuses—but at stadium/arena prices, who can afford enough
watery beer to temporarily forget about job security and the mortgage?
Fortunately, the underemployed now have a new option for smuggling alcohol into
controlled events: The Beerbelly, a neoprene sling containing a pouch with attached drinking tube. It holds "more than a six pack of
your favorite beverage"; when filled and worn under the clothes, it looks like
the fat, sagging belly you'll wind up with if you keep drinking Beerbellies
full of beer at every home game. And for flat-chested ladies who don't want to
look fat and/or pregnant, there's the Winerack, a padded bra that fills the
same purpose—and helps fill out a T-shirt. In both cases, there's an
attached tube for drinking your strap-on liquor, and for blowing air into the
hidden bladders so you leave the game still fat and/or busty rather than
deflated. The company producing these products, Cooler Fun, has a range of
other fun products for the alcohol-obsessed, including a hot/cold pack called the "Pleasure Extender" and a
$600 "Cooler Scooter" that doubles as a cooler and a vehicle, for
when your car gets repossessed after your latest DUI. As a bonus, you can wear
the Beerbelly while watching games at home, which means going even longer
without budging from the couch; it holds three times as much as a passé old
beer hat. Next up, for the really drunk and desperate: The beer-filled
full-body inflatable sumo suit.
Available at: Thebeerbelly.com
For hunters who manage to survive
the forthcoming Second Amendment purges
Minaska Outdoors "Bandit" MP3 Duck
Call ($469)
Not everyone is thrilled at the
election of Comrade Obama. Gun enthusiasts, in particular, are buying in
quantity, fearful that our new president will soon outlaw firearms. But we're
still optimistic! Maybe he'll only send Republican gun owners to
reeducation camps, leaving you free to buy the Minaska Bandit mp3-powered duck
call for the Democratic duck hunters on your shopping list. Yes, for only $70
more than a top-of-the-line iPod, you can lure waterfowl to the kill in
high-quality 320 kbps digital sound! And in case you aren't satisfied with its
pre-programmed sounds (including "Kitten Distress," "Psycho Rabbit," "Death
Screams," and "Agitated Bore"), its flash memory is expandable to 16 gig, for
ducks who are inexplicably drawn to the sounds of The Decemberists.
Available at: Gamecalls.net
For conservatives full of hot, smelly air
following the Democratic victory
Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers by
Garment Guard ($10 for 5)
Garment Guard has hope to offer even those left
with a nasty case of irritable bowels after the Grand Old Party's
near-collapse. The Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizer is a 3.25-inch fabric
square that adheres to the inside of one's undies (fold or trim to fit a
thong). After applying it to "exactly where you think it goes," the directions
advise you to "let 'er rip," as the activated carbon and antimicrobials therein
should absorb any trace of ass-stench from your broken wind. Based in Southern
California's conservative bastion of Orange County, Garment Guard also offers
something called "Skid Out," for getting rid of "real-life bloopers" on fabric.
Available at: Garmentguard.com
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For campers with deep pockets, in
both the literal and metaphorical sense
Giant Swiss Army Knife ($999)
Ah, the Swiss Army Knife: Since the late 19th
century, it's been the camper's best friend, an all-in-one device featuring
such handy little tools as a blade, a can opener, a screwdriver, and maybe a
few whimsical touches, like a magnifying glass, nail-clippers, or a toothpick.
And since it's Swiss, it's militarily neutral, too. But who needs a compact
implement that fits in your pocket when you can have a three-pound, 85-tool
behemoth that's three-quarters of a foot long and can hang off your belt loop,
thumping out a bruise on your inner thigh? A Guinness World Record holder for
"the most multifunctional penknife"—take that, regular Swiss Army
Knife!—this thousand-dollar beauty complements the standard screwdriver
with a workshop's bounty in tools. It also includes such unexpected items as a
laser pointer, a bike-chain rivet-setter, a mineral crystal magnifier, and a
golf-club-face cleaner. Best of luck finding them all.
Available at: Thinkgeek.com
For those ready to have their world turned
upside-down
Teeter Hang-Ups ($359.95)
At first, $300 seems like a lot to
spend on an "inversion table" that looks like a cheap poolside lounge chair
tipped vertically and with added ankle restraints. But Teeter Hang-Ups make
inversions easy, and as anyone who has ever hung upside down on monkey bars can
tell you, inversions are fun. Roger Teeter (seriously, he claims that's his
real name), the inventor of Teeter Hang-Ups, claims his product can alleviate
everything from back pain to circulation problems, but he doesn't mention the
effect that hanging upside down can have on mood. There's a reason why
"inversion therapy" is a treatment for depression: having all your blood rush
to your head is a good time. And it's probably cheaper than Paxil.
Available at: Teeterhangups.com
For those looking for a good excuse to kill the
idle rich and feast on their bodies
His & Hers Life-Size Replica in LEGO Bricks
($60,000)
If you feel like a life-sized sculpture of you and
your mate isn't a unique enough gift, why not have it made out of Legos? It'll prove that you're aren't just narcissistic and
overprivileged, but "whimsical" as well. Simply send in a photo of
yourself and your partner plus measurements, and artist Nathan Sawaya will make
it happen.
Available at: Neimanmarcus.com
For the girl who doesn't just talk to her
dolls, but also takes fashion advice from them
Lagerfeld Teddy Bear ($1,500)
Your current teddy bears are fat and their clothes
are jejune. Get them out of your sight
and replace them with the Karl Lagerfeld version, which comes dressed exactly
like the designer, with aviator sunglasses, an Italian wool jacket, lacquered
jeans from the K Karl Lagerfeld collection, tailor-made boots, and black silk
tie with Swarovski® crystal tie tack. And his little smile is kinda cute, too.
Available at: Neimanmarcus.com
For easily led souls who need to be
warned of the dangers of AN-gel DUST-ah
The Dolemite Collection: Bigger
And Badder ($70)
Sadly, hip-hop godfather and King Of
The Party Records Rudy Ray Moore died before he could witness Obama's election.
But he's undoubtedly smiling down from heaven and admonishing the living to
purchase The Dolemite Collection, an absolutely essential collection of
blaxploitation DVDs from Moore's '70s golden age that includes such low-budget
cult classics as Dolemite, The Human Tornado, Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's
Son-In-Law, and The Avenging Disco Godfather. Just as Obama
battled bigots to become the most powerful man on Earth, Moore had to overcome
an army of insecure, rat-soup-eating, no-business-having motherfuckers who
doubted the veracity of his statements, leading to his timeless catchphrase, "I
ain't lyin'!" Neither are we when we insist that no home is complete without
Moore's funky, off-brand soul cinema.
Available at: DVD sellers everywhere
For the science-fiction fan nostalgic for
yesterday's apocalypse
Planet
Of The Apes 40th-Anniversary
Collection Blu-Ray Set ($139.99)
Now that a bold new era of peace and harmony is
just around the corner, we'll soon be able to view apocalyptic visions like the Planet Of The Apes series as cautionary
relics from a time when humanity could, and almost did, destroy itself. And now
the whole vicious Apes cycle—from Charlton Heston's original mind-blowing
revelation on a far-future shore in Planet Of The Apes through the visions of a nuclear armageddon and civil unrest
of the later films—is available in a set of crisply detailed,
extras-outfitted DVDs. No one should breathe easily and assume that such
threats will soon be safely in our past, since those who don't remember the
past, etc., etc.
Available at: DVD sellers everywhere
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For hip-hop heads still mourning
Dilla
Madlib's The Dil Cosby Suite and The
Dil Weathers Suite ($16 each)
With volumes five (The Dil Cosby
Suite) and six (The Dil Weathers Suite), of his
instrumental Beat Konducta series, mad scientist of sound Madlib returns from India
to pay tribute to his friend, collaborator, and kindred spirit, the late great
James Yancey, also known as J-Dilla or Jay Dee. Here, Madlib channels the
Detroit producer and samples J-Dilla's inimitable rasp extensively as he leads
listeners through dusty, blunted soundscapes where dead voices gather, united
by a loopy, free-associative dream logic. If you're feeling ambitious, you
could follow in the footsteps of noted Obama supporters like Busta Rhymes and
Talib Kweli, who rapped over Dilla's Donuts instrumentals,
and use these tracks as the backup music for your funky-fresh freestyles. On
second thought, don't: even Obama would tell you your rap dreams are beyond
hopeless.
Available at: Insound.com,
other fine vinyl retailers.
For those who want their campfire to reflect
the glorious ethnic diversity that is America
"Mystical Fire" Novelty Bonfire Treatment
($57.50)
With the first black president ready to take
office, it can no longer be denied that America is a rainbow. So if you're a
big fan of fire, but you're turned off by its boring old-boys'-club of yellow,
red, and orange, toss Mystical Fire into the flames, and watch them change from
red to blue to green to violet, thus allegedly providing "hours of
entertainment for the whole family," who must finally have that ADD under
control.
Available at: Mysticalfire.ca
For
middle-class shoppers stumped about how to spend their tax cut
The Smart Shopper Grocery
List Organizer ($100)
Of
all the ways technology was going to improve our lives, eliminating the
venerable paper-and-pen grocery list is the one we just can't seem to
accomplish. For those dissatisfied with list organizers on their iPhones,
here's a purpose-built device that recognizes your muttered "Depends,
extra-large" and adds it to the all-caps list on its LCD screen. When you're
done with your list, the Smart Shopper will print it out for you to take along,
handily eliminating any environmental advantage to its use. Finally, a
three-figure gift that combines the joy of talking to your bank's automated
phone-tree system with the thrill of replacing the roll of paper in a cash
register.
Available
at: Smartshopperusa.com
For
carnival enthusiasts excited about the opportunities for itinerant hucksters in
the impending New Depression
Throwzini 6-Piece Knife
Block Set ($100)
"In
1938, the Wheel of Death introduced a spinning target!" enthuses the
sequitur-free product description for the Throwzini, a spinning wooden disk
with a healthy-looking red figure splayed in the middle. Knife throwing can
"live on in your kitchen," the box claims, although you shouldn't
actually throw the five included knives into their protective magnetic sleeves.
But hey, you sure can spin the hell out of that wheel! Watch that little red
guy cope with the G-forces! The product name is actually Throwzini's Knife Block,
a transparent attempt to fool unsuspecting shoppers into thinking that it's
endorsed by Kevin McDonald's Throwdini from the "Stupid Holiday Charity
Talent Show" episode of NewsRadio. "Every time I talk
with my friend who received the Throwzini it is the first thing he brings
up," reads one review that could have been penned by McDonald in a
particularly bitter, passive-aggressive moment.
Available
at: Thinkgeek.com
and various online retailers
For
socialists who finally feel safe now that one of their own is in the White
House
Progressive International
Microwavable S'mores Maker ($9)
The
Progressive International looks like a little chocolate salt-shaker with
Plastic-Man marshmallow arms that press your s'mores into a melting chocolate
futon. And the brand name makes it clear that indoor microwave s'mores are a
communist plot. But if you can't think of any other way to use up your
post-apocalyptic stockpile of graham crackers, Hershey bars, and marshmallows
in the absence of a campfire, this product will fill your need. "Just add
water!" the simple directions state. Ahh… just like the Cub Scouts!
Available
at: Amazon.com
and other online retailers
For
red-staters entering the Conservative Protection Program
Six-Way Mustache ($1.24)
"Not
As Great As I Thought It Would Be," proclaims one online review from a
disappointed customer of this novelty 'stache. Turns out it sticks to your face
not with spirit gum, like the old-timey spies used to do it, but with a little
hidden plastic ring that clamps onto your septum. But what, you may ask, are
the Six Ways? It mostly involves pointing the fake hair up or down at different
exciting angles. Not as fun as a three-way, but less time-consuming.
Available
at: Zowie
Fun and other online retailers
[pagebreak]
For
early adopters who still haven't scraped the Kerry/Edwards stickers off their
Volvos
Goodnight, Bush, Kindle Edition ($8.79)
"Goodnight,
old growth trees!" If the liberals are serious about hugging some
deciduous, they'd better be reading this popular parody kiss-off to the Bush
years on their Kindles. Of course, that means they won't get to see the images
in color. And they'll have to pick up some reading glasses at the local
fair-trade 24-hour pharmacy to see the pictures on the 6", grayscale Kindle
display. But just because the original is a whopping coffee-table-esque
9"x7" and full-color doesn't mean it can't be "enjoyed" on
a device best suited for The Wall Street Journal. Not that anyone who's
buying Goodnight Bush is reading that fascist rag.
Available
at: Amazon.com
For
cowboys feeling forsaken by W's departure from the cast of male role models
The Dude Big Lebowski Key Clips Talking Keychain ($12)
All
those brush-clearin' ranch hands are going to be moving to the city now, where
their neighbors are gay-married and their local diner serves tiramisu. Time to
get some Dude-trainin' up in here. Jeff Bridges' fish-out-of-water
frontiersman/stoner/private eye knows what it's like to be a stranger in a
strange land. You don't have to watch the whole movie (it's got tropes 'n'
themes 'n' stuff) now that the Dude's six best lines, as scientifically
determined by a keychain manufacturer, can be heard emanating from your pocket
when you bump into furniture. It's an Iron John for the oughts in the soundbite form that the original
Crawford dude made famous.
Available
at: Amazon.com
For unemployed millworkers looking for a shot
at stardom
Holy Headshot!: A Celebration Of
America's Undiscovered Talent ($18.95)
Actors are ridiculous. Even actors
think actors are ridiculous, which is why your friend who keeps sending you
e-mails about his improv group's graduation performances will laugh
wholeheartedly at this thorough collection of the strangest, most eye-catching,
most sincere headshots and acting résumés.
Available at: Booksellers everywhere
For the fiscal conservative who can't afford to
lose even a single banana
Banana Bunker ($5)
Words like "need" or "necessary" lose
all meaning around Christmas, even when the economy is collapsing. For example,
does anyone actually need a flexible plastic case to prevent their bananas from
getting bruised? Of course not. But can they use it? If they carry bananas
around, yes. And at $10 for two, Banana Bunkers are an economical, completely
unnecessary gift. They're also a very cheap laugh, considering that a banana in
a Banana Bunker looks like it's trapped inside a transparent plastic dildo.
Available
at: Bananabunker.com
For those who can no longer afford to dine out,
but who still crave the finer things
Peanut Butter & Co's The Big
Six ($34)
Peanut Butter & Co could easily
have called this six-pack of different varieties of their (delicious)
all-natural peanut butter the Nostalgia Crate, or Box Of Everything Was Simple
Then. Why? Peanut butter just makes people feel good. It's the simplest and least
expensive comfort food. Tucked inside a bright blue-and-white striped carrying
case that's so charming it's almost overkill, this assortment of flavors
(including White Chocolate Wonderful, Dark Chocolate Dreams, and Cinnamon
Raisin Swirl) is also fancy enough to be impressive, without crossing over into
the pretentious foodie category.
Available at: Ilovepeanutbutter.com
For those who still have problems even in the
Obama age, but don't want to harsh everyone's buzz
Breaking Bad News With Baby Animals postcard book ($10)
Everyone's riding on a fluffy cloud of hope and
change right now, right? So how do you let them know that grandma just died,
that the organ donation fell through, the hole in the ozone layer is unfixable,
or that mom blew the college fund on coke? That's why there's the Breaking
Bad News With Baby Animals postcard book, which helpfully softens the blow of these
pre-printed bad-news messages ("You're the father," "It's syphilis," "You're
not the father," "You're my least favorite child," etc.) via cute, fuzzy
kittens, puppies, and bunnies. It's like a bringdown and a comfort all at the
same time. It's also pretty funny, in a sick sort of way. But surely no one
will need these postcards in our brave new world, because Obama is going to fix
everything, right? Right?
Available at: Booksellers everywhere