House Of The Dragon season 2 premiere: We’re back in Westeros, baby

If there’s one thing that screams “we’re back in Westeros, bitches!” it’s the melancholic tones of a northerner giving a speech about duty, honor, and an intense oncoming winter. What better way to kick off the second season of House Of The Dragon, then, than by joining Prince Jacaerys Velaryon as he nervously peeps over The Wall alongside Cregan Stark, Lord of Winterfell?

Yup, all of that snow and ice and ominously silent expanse is the perfect reminder that this world faces more dangers than the petty internal squabbles of the Targaryen clan—not that there’s much time to dwell on the Night King & Co., as a raven arrives with a (sorry not sorry) stark message: Jace’s sweet brother, Luce, is dead. Which, y’know, we already know after watching his dragon-chomped remains plunge into the seas of Storm’s End in the season-one finale, but we’ve yet to see his family come to terms with the news.

Unsurprisingly, Team Black isn’t dealing with the loss of their beloved Luce at all well. Rhaenyra has fled her queenly duties to find proof of her son’s death, Daemon is hellbent on wreaking violent revenge on anyone and everyone who crosses his path, Corlys has absolutely perfected his look of pained regret into the horizon, and Rhaenys is…well, she’s protecting her family’s territory like an absolute boss and explaining to Daemon that, yeah, his wife will absolutely need time to grieve for her baby boy. Also, that Daemon isn’t the king and therefore has zero power over anyone or anything, which I’m absolutely sure won’t cause him to spiral and make any questionable decisions (hmm).

Over in King’s Landing, Team Green is powering through with their plan to disinherit Rhaenyra and get her terrible half-brother, Aegon II, on the throne. Except…well, except he doesn’t seem as terrible as remembered from the first season. Oh sure, he’s basically a walking STD with an attitude problem, but he’s at least attempting to prepare his six-year-old son, Jaehaerys, for the Iron Throne—and he’s respectful of his many petitioners’ wishes, too, albeit a little too ready to grant them. As Otto Hightower expertly steers his grandson toward the correct course like the experienced Hand of the King he is, though, it provides Lord Larys (yes, the creepy one with the foot fetish) the ideal opportunity to drive a wedge between the duo.

Alicent, meanwhile, is in mourning for her best friend/sworn enemy’s son–and, quite rightly, giving Aemond a hard time for siccing his dragon on Luce in the first place. She’s also seeking solace via a toxic situation with the OG incel Lord Criston Cole (who still hasn’t aged a day, despite actors taking over roles all around him). Hey, don’t judge her too harshly: At least it offers her some respite from the fact that Lord Larys has killed off most of her staff and surrounded her with his spies. She can’t even enjoy a bubble bath in peace anymore!

Speaking of spies, Mysaria—a.k.a. the White Worm—has fallen into Daemon’s clutches (but not under his thrall), which prompts him to broker a deal with her. All he wants, after all, is to give his wife what she desires more than anything in the world: the head of Aemond Targaryen. To do that, though, he needs Mysaria’s help getting into the Red Keep…and thus we enter our Blood and Cheese era.

Anyone who’s read George R R Martin’s books, of course, will already have anticipated these scenes with horror. Those who haven’t, of course, will undoubtedly be wondering what possible role a humble piece of bloodstained fromage will play in the Dance of Dragons. Here’s the thing, though: Blood is a tall, hulking swordsman with murderous eyes, and Cheese is a rat catcher with an impeccable knowledge of the Red Keep’s secret doors, hidden hallways, and many, many tunnels. When Daemon waggles a sackful of gold at them both and insists they bring him Aemond’s head, they’re more than happy to do his bidding—although, they wonder aloud, what should they do if they can’t find the prince?

Daemon’s response to this question is never made explicit, although it’s easy to guess what the hotheaded Targaryen had to say come the end of the episode. Because Blood and Cheese can’t find Aemond, and instead stumble across Queen Helaena (poor, poor, prophetic Queen Helaena, who has been warning us about the castle’s rats for some time now) and her sleeping children. Keen as hell on earning their blood money, the hors d’oeuvre wannabes hold a knife to her throat and ask her to point out which child is her male heir, prompting her to live out her very own Sophie’s Choice-inspired nightmare. A nightmare somehow made even worse by the fact that, when she flees to her mother’s bedroom for help, she’s confronted by the sight of Alicent doing something nobody (not even one of George R R Martin’s creations) wishes to see their mother doing. Gulp.

It’s a pretty stellar season premiere, quite frankly, with more than enough rich narrative, scheming families, dragons, and sumptuous costumes to quench the thirst of any Game Of Thrones fan. Alicent and Criston’s breathless encounters serve as a reminder, too, that there’s more to sex than penetration (no small thing, considering female oral sex scenes so rare in film and television). And, while all of the cast is on form, it’s undoubtedly Emma D’Arcy who gives us a masterclass in acting with their effortless portrayal of grief at its absolute rawest: Every time the camera even so much as glimpses their face, you feel how utterly broken this once proud queen is now (which means, should Rhaenyra go down the Mad Queen route, it won’t take us by surprise as it did the masses when Daenerys became the villain of Game Of Thrones).

Oh sure, there’s times when this episode feels like a crib sheet, hellbent on reminding us exactly who everyone is and what their motives are (see: Daemon loudly committing more than a dash of exposition as he informs Erryk “Team Black” Cargyll that his traitorous twin Arryk has declared loyalty to the Greens), but it’s been a hot minute since the HOTD season-one finale, quite frankly, and we could all use the help. Here’s hoping things get a little more “show than tell” as the episodes rumble onwards.

In the meantime, if those dragons weren’t dancing already, they sure are now—and we’re not talking a gentle waltz, either: This is a dance battle to the death. Your move, Alicent.

Stray observations

• I know it didn’t actually happen, but the mere idea of Lord Jason Lannister galloping around the Small Council and pretending to be a horse was just…wonderful. Can we have him take on the role of royal nanny alongside all his other courtly duties?
• I’m by no means Alicent’s biggest fan, but she was basically sold off as a child bride to a decaying old man when she married the late King Viserys. She’s experienced nothing but discomfort and misery in the bedroom. She’s had to parade her naked feet for the benefit of Lord Larys. If she wants to explore her sexuality with Criston “I Used The Same Portrait Artist As Dorian Gray” Cole, then, I’m all for it…even if he is horrible.
• Is Aegon really and truly a villain? I suspect he’s just a kid with extreme daddy issues, to be honest. Viserys never once gave him a lesson in [scans thesaurus frantically] kinging, so it’s quite cute to see him refuse to make the same mistake with his own little boy. Although that likely means this Blood and Cheese scheme is going to transform him into the monster I previously suspected…
• What on earth is in the water up there in Winterfell? Cut these guys in half and you’ll find the words “honor and duty” written inside them like a stick of rock.
• Fire & Blood offers many differing historical accounts of Jace and Cregan’s relationship, although one thing is made abundantly clear: The latter becomes incredibly important to the young prince. Anyone else shipping them hard already?
• It makes sense that Rhaenys and Daemon have a tricky relationship—largely because he was married to her late daughter, Laena, before he married Rhaenyra (who was previously married to her son, Laenor). Fingers crossed their paths cross far more often, as their brittle conversation is an absolute joy to watch unfold onscreen.
• …On that same note, showrunners need to get Alicent and Rhaenyra in a room together before we dive into an all out war. The sizzling chemistry of these friends-turned-foes-turned-foils is too good to miss, especially now both have Criston as a notch in their respective bedposts.
• Fun fact: Next week’s sophomore episode will be the show’s longest installment yet, clocking in at 72 minutes. Which makes it all too clear that Dragon droppings are about to hit the metaphorical fan in a very big way. We suspect the general public won’t take kindly to murderers being sent after a small child, for starters. And when Rhaenyra finds out what Daemon has done? Yeah, bring the popcorn.