The CW's attempt to buff and shine 90s teen cheese into adolescent brie worthy of the aughts, the new Beverly Hills: 90210 premieres tonight. And from the first recycled opening guitar riff, the countdown to the tragic, PSA-worthy death of a superfluous character for the new millennium begins.
First, a look at the original 90210 slo-mo reaction shot seen around the world:
A similar death by hot-button issue facing American teens today has to eventually take place on the new 90210. The only questions remaining are: who will follow in Scott's footsteps and bite the PSA-death bullet? When will it happen? (My guess is whenever the show starts to feel stale, so probably episode two.) And, most importantly, how will it happen? Below are a few possible answers to that last question:
—Left in a hot car with the windows rolled up for an extended period of time.
—Drowned in credit card debt. (Literally. One of the characters could open the closet where they keep their ever increasing pile of secret credit card statements and collection notices, and all of the papers could come cascading down, suffocating him/her.)
—Manorexia.
—Stoned to death by mean comments that kids at school wrote on the Internet, printed out, taped to rocks, and then threw at the superfluous character in an attempt to prove the "sticks and stones" adage wrong.
—One of the teens dies in childbirth following one of those secret teen pregnancies that are so hot right now.
—Global warming.
—Rainbow party gone very, very wrong
—Suicide due to self-loathing stemming from getting kicked off of the Next bus.