Even though it's my generational duty to do so, I don't hate baby boomers. I've even stood up for the love generation on occasion. "Sure, baby boomers are smug, condescending, and overly enamored with their supposed generational achievements," I say, "but what about classic rock, soul, and country? And '70s Hollywood cinema? And all the great books, TV shows, and illegal but readily available drugs they've handed down to us?" Resent them if you must, but you have to hand it to the bastards–they've given us a lot of cool stuff. And because of that I've never been to able muster up true dislike for them.
Then I saw the new commercial for Just For Men's Touch Of Gray hair treatment, which finally convinced me to taste the warm nectar of hatred for the generation that didn't really stop the war but did elect Ronald Reagan twice. Yep, boomers sure are pricks, and now they have "the first and only hair treatment that lets you keep some gray," according to Just For Men's website, "for the generation that swore it would never get old, and didn't." That's right, kids, and here you thought boomers were only sucking your paychecks dry for the Social Security money. They also are draining us of our youth and vitality so that they can continue stalking the world as immortals, forever turning out Woodstock retrospectives and paying $300 a ticket to see The Eagles "play real music" at the basketball arena in your town.
Unless you watch oldster-oriented programs like 60 Minutes or Meet The Press (like, cough, me) there's a good chance you haven't seen the commercial for Just For Men's Touch Of Gray hair treatment. (You can see it here.) It begins with the same stock footage we've all seen a million of times of hippies frolicking like free spirited idiots in a park while a fuzzed-out bar band version of Cream's "Sunshine Of Your Love" plays in the background. Then there's a jump cut showing presumably those same yahoos as ruggedly handsome middle-aged folk surfing and playing basketball in the present day. "Welcome to the summer of life!" the voiceover guy says. We see another ruggedly handsome boomer pretending to play a guitar while a hot little number plants one on his cheek. We learn that Touch Of Gray lets you keep a little gray, "because you've finally reached the age where jet-black hair makes you look like Wayne Newton!" (Okay, I added that last part.) "Never trust anybody over 90," says a smiling boomer as he and his MILF wife flash the peace sign. They're still rebelling against their parents, who never understood these kids and their long, shiny, artificially colored hair. Put away your stakes and garlic, because nothing is going to slow these totally rockin' seniors down!
Everything that's odious about baby boomers is here in one package: the vanity, the obsession with (their own) youth, the stupid peace sign, the inability to convincingly play air guitar, and, worst of all, their refusal to fold up the tent and fade away into dignified senility. Nope, we're going to be hearing them blather on about the good old days of Jimi, JFK, and worry-free unprotected sex for decades to come, and it's only going to get worse as they age and get more crotchety. Welcome to the summer of tedium, Gen-Xers! It's gonna be a long one!