In this week’s Savage Love: Denver’s Oriental Theater

Savage Love Live at Denver’s Oriental Theater last week was epic. I fielded sex questions in front of a sold-out crowd, singer-songwriter Rachel Lark performed amazing news songs, comedian Elise Kerns absolutely killed it, and Tye—a token straight guy plucked at random from the audience—joined us on stage and gave some pretty great sex advice! We couldn’t get to all the audience questions during the show, so I’m going to race through as many unanswered questions as I can in this week’s column…

How does a week from next Tuesday grab you?

Judging by how many people tell me they’re having a hard time finding sex-positive, kink-positive, open-positive, and poly-positive therapists, I would definitely file “sex-positive therapist” under “world needs more of.” Chase that dream!

By starting a two-person book club. Order Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide To Discovering, Exploring, And Navigating The Kink, Leather, And BDSM Communities by Lee Harington and Mollena Williams, The Ultimate Guide To Kink: BDSM, Role Play, And The Erotic Edge edited by Tristan Taormino, and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. Read and discuss, and discuss some more—and when you’re ready to start playing, take it slow!

Two more book recommendations: The Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus: How To Go Down On A Woman And Give Her Exquisite Pleasure by Violet Blue and She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman by Ian Kerner.

The orgasm gap—91 percent of men reported climaxing in their last opposite-sex sexual encounter compared to 64 percent of women (National Survey Of Sexual Health And Behavior)—doesn’t exist for lesbians and bi women in same-sex relationships. So the problem isn’t women and their elusive orgasms, it’s men and their lazy-ass bullshit. A contributing factor is that women often have a hard time advocating for their own pleasure because they’ve been socialized to defer to men. There’s evidence of that in your question: You want to navigate this problem—the problem being a selfish boyfriend who doesn’t care enough about you to prioritize your pleasure and has taken cover behind the orgasm gap—but you want to spare his ego in the process. Fuck his precious ego. Tell him what you want and show him what it takes to get you off. If he refuses to do his part to close the orgasm gap in your apartment, show him the door.

Forgive my tautology, but you prioritize sex by prioritizing sex. Scheduled sex can be awesome sex—and when you’re truly pressed for time, you can always masturbate together.

It’s a catch-22: People are afraid to come out to their closed-minded families as queer or poly or sex workers or atheists, but closed-minded families typically don’t open their minds until after their queer or poly or sex-working or non-believing kids come out to them. To open their minds, you’ll have to risk blowing them first. Tell them your truth and stand your ground.

You’re Mike Pence.

A sexually frustrated international drug dealer is arguably more dangerous than a sexually satisfied international drug dealer—so you may be doing society a service.

Speaking with a low-information voter is frustrating because they can’t tell you why they voted for someone; speaking with a low-information fucker—someone who can’t tell you why they’re doing/screwing what they’re doing/screwing—is just as frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when the low-information/low-self-awareness fucker happens to be the person you’re fucking. It’s fine to want what you want—because of course it is—but unless you’re interested only in solo sex, you need to be able to share your reasons.

Yep. As tempting as it might be to hold on to his stuff or trash it, that just keeps this drama alive. If you keep his stuff, he’ll keep after you for it. If you trash his stuff, you’ll have to worry about the situation escalating. If you want him out of your life and out of your head, put his crap in a bag, set it on your porch or leave it with a neutral third party, and tell him when he can swing by and get it.

My expectations for sterling silver, crystal stemware, and fuckable ass are the same: I want it sparkling.

Zooming out: One doesn’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason one doesn’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food—it’s going to make a mess. Making sure your mouth is empty is easy, of course, but it’s not that difficult to empty or clean out an ass. Also, a good, fiber-rich diet empties and cleans out the ass naturally. Yes, you are fucking an ass, that’s true, and shit sometimes happens. The top shouldn’t poop-shame the bottom when it does happen, and the bottom doesn’t need to have a meltdown. It just means you need to pivot to some other sexual activity—after a quick cleanup restores the sparkle.