In which we consider news of a Mighty Mouse update, and offer a modest proposal for how to make it not totally suck

In between schtupping British prostitutes, Ben Franklin once paused to remark, “In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.” Were he alive today, Franklin would have to add, “And also, the remaking of some childhood cartoon into a disingenuously winking, cacophonous, computer-sculpted hybrid that neither satisfies nostalgic adults nor placates their mewling, ADD-afflicted children.” Such a crabapple, that Franklin, but as in so many cases, he would be right: Bolstered by what is considered to be the success of live-action/CGI mutations of things that weren’t all that richly enjoyable in the first place—things like Alvin And The Chipmunks, where “success” is determined by how many parents dutifully purchased tickets and DVDs, because they are bound by society’s laws to take their kids to see bright, moving colors shriek at them at least once a month—other studios are now fast-tracking their own bionic upgrades of similar projects like Mighty Mouse, whose long-promised big-screen adaptation looks to be making some headway after several years of dormancy. Now Paramount is officially searching for a new writer and director to come up with their own vision for a Mighty Mouse reboot, which means we only have this brief window before possibility becomes disappointing reality.

So hey potential writer and director, if you’ll permit us this unsolicited bit of advice, here’s a proposal for a Mighty Mouse that may not totally and completely suck, one hinted at in today’s L.A. Times: Go back to the original intent of Mighty Mouse—which, as columnist Steven Zeitchik notes, “was designed as a a satire of the then-popular Superman, a kind of subversive postmodern creation before entertainment (and most of the world) was familiar with subversive postmodern creations.” You see, most of these live-action/CGI hybrids try to have it both ways with their “subversion,” offering a halfhearted nudge-nudge to the parents about the inherent ridiculousness of its own conceit, or maybe throwing in a reference to the current pop-cultural zeitgeist, while also ensuring lots of slapstick and fart jokes for the kiddies. And in the end, no one is completely satisfied by that approach—especially the critics. Still, as you’ll soon find out, that’s the line your studio execs are most likely going to insist you walk.

But isn’t it funny how Mighty Mouse’s original creators didn’t have that problem, and were able to come off as postmodern and subversive without screaming, “Hey, look at how postmodern and subversive we’re being?!” And isn’t it funny how just hearing the words “Mighty Mouse remake” is enough for most of us out here in the peanut gallery to form some picture of it in our heads long before your script is even written—which, in our most cynical of visions, will most likely follow the formula of some sort of retconned “origin story” involving a comic actor (Brendan Fraser? Ryan Reynolds?) cashing a fat paycheck as the scientist who accidentally gives a mouse superpowers and who then must assist in his training/keeping his exploits a secret, followed by a generic rescue story (most likely involving Pearl Pureheart and a blowhard U.S. Army type who wants that damn mouse out of the picture), and culminating in a pop-punk update of the Mighty Mouse theme?

So would it be too much to ask that we don’t do something like that this time, just to see what happens? Wouldn’t it be interesting to at least try to surprise us, and prove knee-jerk naysayers like us wrong? You even have an excellent example to draw from: Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse: The New Adventures, which revived the idea of using the character as a send-up of superheroes (their casual vanity, the pestering inconvenience of leading a double life, etc.) and wasn't afraid to acknowledge its own wackiness. Something along those lines—and minus anything that could be construed as a drug reference—would be well worth celebrating.

Then again, Zeitchik acknowledges that “part of the reason to do a movie like Mighty Mouse in the first place is its broad, family-oriented appeal”—which means the Mighty Mouse you’re already envisioning in your head is most likely the one we’ll eventually see. But hey, maybe it’ll be in 3D!