Humanity is eternally seeking answers to theological and philosophical questions, and if anyone knows the answers, it's our celebrities. For those on the fence about the existence of an all-powerful deity, The Onion A.V. Club offers your answer: Simply choose your favorite celebrity from the 52 polled here, and whatever he or she says should serve as definitive proof either way.
Tommy Chong's pot-themed humor has become an American institution.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Tommy Chong: Yes. God is in all things and all people.
MC Paul Barman is the man behind the popular EP It's Very Stimulating.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Paul Barman: Obviously not.
O: Why obviously not?
PB: Isn't believing in God like wearing chain mail?
O: In that it protects you from being lanced?
PB: [Laughs.] In that you just don't do it anymore.
Last seen in Trixie, Brittany Murphy is part of the cast of Riding In Cars With Boys.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Brittany Murphy: Who am I to say? I believe so.
Michael McKean is a veteran comedian and character actor known for his parts in This Is Spinal Tap, Laverne & Shirley, and The Brady Bunch Movie.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Michael McKean: There is something at the center of everything that is, in the vaguest possible terms, an intelligence. I've seen evidence of it all my life, and I think that even the notion of trying to interpret something that grand is absurd. So, that's just it: The answer is yes and I'm not smart enough to get my mind around it.
Posdnuos is one-third of the pioneering hip-hop group De La Soul.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Posdnuos: Does God exist? Yes. Within my life and within where I am as a person and as an individual, I think it's ignorant to not realize that someone of supreme knowledge had a hand in putting us together and creating human beings. That's just my take.
Cristina Martinez sings in Boss Hog and is a former member of Pussy Galore.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Cristina Martinez: There are many. I don't know how to answer that. I don't believe in God in your kind of basic Catholic way. I think more that there's something beyond just our biological bodies, yes.
Robert Altman is the legendary director of MASH, Nashville, Short Cuts, and the forthcoming Dr. T And The Women.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Robert Altman: I'm dyslexic, so I hear dog when you say God.
"Weird Al" Yankovic is America's premier song parodist and polka revivalist.
The Onion: Is there a God?
"Weird Al" Yankovic: I do believe there is a God, despite the existence of Carrot Top's career.
Robert Forster is a veteran character actor, public speaker, and star of Medium Cool and Jackie Brown.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Robert Forster: Boy, what a good question. [Pauses.] Well, He surely exists for a lot of people. But if it was a democratic… If democracy was the… He does exist for an awful a lot of people. I'd say count 'em up and take a tally. That might give you the answer.
Trey Anastasio sings and plays guitar in the popular recording and touring act Phish.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Trey Anastasio: [Pauses.] I should have had a quick, witty answer to that question, but I missed my window. I'll say… I don't know if there's a God. I don't have a quick, witty answer to that question.
O: You don't know?
TA: I don't know. I can't answer that question. Except I did watch Godspell the other night, and it certainly got me thinking.
O: You'd think that kind of theological preparation would cleanse your spiritual palette in a way that would allow you to answer that question. People look for the solution to life's issues through celebrities and rock stars.
TA: That's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard in my life, that anyone would… Did you ever see the episode of The Simpsons where Lisa becomes a vegetarian? She tells Homer about how she met Paul and Linda McCartney, and he says, "Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?" I think that really sums it up. If there is a God, He's definitely a rock star.
Jessica Alba can soon be seen in Fox's James Cameron-produced TV series Dark Angel.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Jessica Alba: I think so.
Jennifer Todd produced Idle Hands and both of the Austin Powers films.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Jennifer Todd: Is there a God? In [Idle Hands]?
O: No, in real life. Is there a God?
JT: Ah, possibly. But I can't really go there.
Momus is a musician, essayist, and wit whose newest album is titled Stars Forever.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Momus: Umm… Uh, I'm an atheist.
Beth Littleford is a comedian and actress best known for her work on Comedy Central's The Daily Show and soon to join the cast of Spin City.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Beth Littleford: I was raised with one and I can't quite let go.
Tom Leykis is a syndicated radio talk-show host.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Tom Leykis: No, there is no God. Period.
O: End of sentence.
TL: End of story.
O: No God at all.
TL: There is no God.
A star of stage and screen, Martin Short's most recent project was a daytime talk show.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Martin Short: Yes, there is. Of course. Yes.
Steven Soderbergh directed sex, lies and videotape, The Limey, Out Of Sight, and Erin Brockovich.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Steven Soderbergh: No.
Steve Albini is one of the most in-demand producers in the music industry, a founding member of Big Black, and a member of Shellac.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Steve Albini: Hell, I don't know.
Catherine O'Hara is a comedian, SCTV alum, and actress whose work has included Beetlejuice, Waiting For Guffman, and many SNL appearances.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Catherine O'Hara: Yes.
Micky Dolenz is a producer and founding member of The Monkees.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Micky Dolenz: No. God is a verb, not a noun.
Wes Anderson directed the modern classics Bottle Rocket and Rushmore.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Wes Anderson: Hopefully.
Joe Genaro used to play guitar and occasionally sing for Dead Milkmen; he now leads his own band, Butterfly Joe.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Joe Genaro: Yes.
Matthew Sweet is a pop-rock singer-songwriter whose newest album is titled In Reverse.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Matthew Sweet: No.
O: Want to elaborate?
MS: I don't think there's a God like the God everybody's taught about. As a concept, I think it exists in terms of nature and the greater forces of things. I believe in nature instead of God.
Frank Kozik is the graphic artist behind countless rock posters and album covers; he also runs Man's Ruin Records.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Frank Kozik: Yeah, it's called science. It's called physical reality.
Pamela Hayden is the voice of Milhouse and Jimbo on The Simpsons.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Pamela Hayden: I think so. [Laughs, adopts voice of Milhouse.] "And I think, uh, if I get beat up one more time, no." Pamela says yes, Milhouse says questionable.
Rod Roddy is the beloved announcer for TV's impossibly long-running game show The Price Is Right.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Rod Roddy: Yes. Otherwise, I would have to admit I've only been talking to myself all these years.
Jack Plotnick is a prolific character actor and comedian who has appeared in Gods And Monsters, TV's Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and a rental-car commercial.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Jack Plotnick: Yes. And I guess… Pause it for a second. Do I think there's a God? Pause it, you're running out of tape!
O: I've got plenty of tape.
JP: Give me a second! [Pauses.]
O: Okay, is there a God?
JP: Um, yes, there is a God, but it's sort of like we're all little pieces of God. He exploded, and we're all little pieces of Him. I just think we should all treat each other like we're little pieces of God.
Susan Messing is a Chicago improv and theater veteran, an actor in While You Were Sleeping, and a member of Second City.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Susan Messing: I don't know.
O: You don't know?
SM: No.
O: You don't have an answer?
SM: Well, it's hard, because some people say God is love, and I'm like, "Okay." And I keep thinking he's an old man with a beard. But that's weird, so I have a problem with that. And I only pray to God when I'm in big trouble, so I feel hypocritical. I don't know. I think… I don't know. I was raised Jewish, but I don't know.
Ira Kaplan sings and plays guitar in Yo La Tengo, which recently released an album titled And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-Out.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Ira Kaplan: I just talked about this this weekend. Um, well, if there is, I'm certainly not going to piss It off by saying no.
George Carlin's comedy career stretches across several decades and includes countless albums and comedy specials.
The Onion: Is there a God?
George Carlin: No. No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. It's probably a dispassionate… That's why I say, "Suppose He doesn't give a shit? Suppose there is a God but He just doesn't give a shit?" That's the kind of thing that might be at work.
Monte Hellman directed the road-movie classic Two-Lane Blacktop and numerous other notable films.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Monte Hellman: Yes, and She's black.
Marshall Crenshaw has written many classic pop songs, including "Someday Someway" and "Not For Me"; he recently released the album #447 and a greatest-hits collection.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Marshall Crenshaw: Does God exist? Uh, I don't know.
David Cross played "David" on the HBO sketch-comedy series Mr. Show With Bob And David; he's also made many movie and TV appearances.
The Onion: Is there a God?
David Cross: Uh, let me reserve that answer for after I take this huge shit I've gotta take, because I might come up with an answer. Something might not make itself known to me until then, if you know what I mean. So, rather than just go, "Yes!" or "No!," or come up with some funny retort, I might know more after I take this really healthy shit. It's been like a day coming, so I think I may get some answers. That's my answer.
Mojo Nixon is the singer responsible for "Don Henley Must Die," among many others; his newest album is ¡The Real Sock Ray Blue! and he currently works as a radio host in Cincinnati.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Mojo Nixon: If there is, he's a pretty damn funny guy, I'll tell you that. There's two ways to look at it: One is that if there is some kind of supreme being who's designed things, He's an idiot. He's stupid. From another perspective, to look at it from the nature point of view, it's pretty amazing that all these things dovetail together and somehow make sense. It's possible that there's some kind of life spirit or life force or something; not an old man sitting on a tree. If there's an old man sitting on a stump way up in the sky, 1) he's stupid, and 2) he's somewhat diabolical, you know? He's giving babies diseases, and bombing villages for no good reason, and killing people in airplanes.
Joel Hodgson was one of the masterminds behind Mystery Science Theater 3000; he now runs his own studio.
The Onion: Does God exist?
Joel Hodgson: Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. I'll just leave it at that.
Joel Hodgson was one of the masterminds behind Mystery Science Theater 3000; he now runs his own studio.
The Onion: Does God exist?
Joel Hodgson: Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. I'll just leave it at that.
Larry Clark is a director and photographer whose films include Kids and Another Day In Paradise.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Larry Clark: Of course there is. There's some kind of force moving all this stuff around. There's something out there. There's something going on.
The ubiquitous Robert Carlyle's films include The Full Monty and Trainspotting.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Robert Carlyle: [Pauses.] Ooh… That's a big one, isn't it? That's deep. Um… [Pauses.] For some people there is. For some people. [Pauses.] Each to their own God.
Actress and tabloid fixture Angelina Jolie will soon play computer-game character Lara Croft.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Angelina Jolie: Hmm… For some people. I hope so, for them. For the people who believe in it, I hope so. There doesn't need to be a God for me. There's something in people that's spiritual, that's godlike. I don't feel like doing things just because people say things, but I also don't really know if it's better to just not believe in anything, either.
Vivica A. Fox appeared in Independence Day and Set It Off, and delivered the chills in Idle Hands and Teaching Mrs. Tingle.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Vivica A. Fox: Are you asking me if there is a God?
O: Yes.
VF: Where the hell did that come from?
O: It's just a question we have to ask everyone. It's sort of a standard thing. So, is there a God?
VF: Most definitely. There is a God, Jesus Christ and all. Oh, yeah, there's a God.
Ben Stein is a movie actor, pitchman, columnist, and host of Comedy Central's Win Ben Stein's Money.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Ben Stein: Oh, of course. Without question.
Neil Hamburger is America's Funnyman; his newest recording is an EP titled Inside Neil Hamburger.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Neil Hamburger: Well, you know, I think so. There could be a God. Because so many people are born again, you know? I'd hate to think that they were just doing it for nothing. As I like to say, "If 50,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong…" Well, I like to apply that to this case.
Australian actor Guy Pearce has appeared in L.A. Confidential and Rules Of Engagement.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Guy Pearce: Uh, yeah, absolutely. [Pauses.] Do you want to know His name, or…? I just think it's within everybody; it's the connection that everybody has together, you know? I think that's what the power is.
O: So you don't think there's a spirit in the sky, but something that's inside all of us?
GP: Yeah, exactly. His name's Brian.
Devon Sawa battled peril in Final Destination and Wild America.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Devon Sawa: I believe there's a God up there, sitting on a cloud. I hope.
You can catch Elden Henson in many commercials and in the upcoming O.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Elden Henson: God, and I thought you guys were going to be asking me questions like, "Did you have fun making the movie?" and stuff like that. Um, I don't know.
Winona Ryder first gained national attention as the star of Heathers and can soon be seen in Lost Souls.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Winona Ryder: Is there a God?
O: Yes, does God exist?
WR: Um, I don't know. I really don't know. I hate to be so boring, but I don't know.
Alex Cox directed Repo Man, Sid & Nancy, and Three Businessmen.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Alex Cox: [Screenwriter] Rudy [Wurlitzer] thinks so.
O: But we're not talking about Rudy.
AC: No, I don't think She exists.
Seth Green is an occasional cast member of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, a voice on The Family Guy, and a star of the Austin Powers movies and the upcoming Josie And The Pussycats.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Seth Green: Is there a God? It really depends on what religion you subscribe to.
O: Oh, man, that's cheap. Everyone else was like, "I don't know. Maybe."
SG: God is, to me, pretty much an idea. God is, to me, pretty much a myth created over time to deny the idea that we're all responsible for our own actions.
Kyle Gass and Jack Black are Tenacious D, widely considered the greatest rock band in the world.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Jack Black: It depends what Kage says.
Kyle Gass: I'm going to say I just don't know.
JB: Me, too. Me, too.
Martha Plimpton's films include Pecker, Eye Of God, and The Goonies.
The Onion: Is there a God?
Martha Plimpton: God exists, and He lives in all the little salt particles in children's tears all over Africa.