“It just doesn’t matter!”: 20 things we learned at fictional summer camp

Contrary to its name, Camp Hope in Heavyweights is one of the most depressing places to send your children. The reason for that? The new owner, Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller), who’s determined to transform a lax fat camp into a home for “skinny winners” as a way to market his fitness regimen: the PerkiSystem. But the longer the kids resist Perkis’ plans, the more draconian his measures become, relying on humiliation and deprivation (“Lunch has been canceled today, due to lack of hustle”) to get his point across. He eventually experiences a full psychotic break so severe he has to be locked up, and later incapacitated with a chandelier. Tony may have a body so toned you can crack ice blocks on it (PerkiSystem level 18), but his brain’s fitness leaves a lot to be desired. [Les Chappell]

The prevailing notion for most of the kids in Camp Nowhere is that summer camp is super boring. Mud (Nashville’s Jonathan Jackson) decides to avoid his horrendous computer camp fate by gathering his buddies and blackmailing their former drama teacher Dennis (Christopher Lloyd) into running it by promising him $1,000 to pay off his Gremlin, as well as a place to hide from a surly bill collector (T.R. Polk). When the authorities find out, Mud takes the blame, Dennis is not investigated for being a single man who has watched over a brood of unruly children for an entire summer with little other supervision, and everyone goes home after having the best summer ever. [Molly Eichel]

In the 1977 feature Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown, camp is largely a character-building exercise where the Peanuts gang learns important life lessons: Cheaters never prosper, don’t get cocky, cooperation is key, and so on. But the real lesson is that animals are better and more important competitors than people. Snoopy not only takes Charlie Brown to camp on a motorcycle (kids can’t drive, but their dogs clearly can), he’s the key participant in the film’s central grueling whitewater-rafting race. And of course the snide bullies who constantly cheat in the race brought their pet as well: a vicious, spike-collared cat named Brutus. Life lessons aside, the race boils down to a personal grudge match (and series of physical battles) between Brutus and Snoopy, with Snoopy’s bird pal Woodstock winning the day. The kids might as well have just sent the pets to camp in their place. [Tasha Robinson]

Most people only tolerate Ernest P. Worrell (Jim Varney) because of his childlike naiveté, which is enough to outweigh the constant annoyances and property destruction that follows in his wake. That feeling is enough to raise him to the level of hero in Ernest Goes To Camp, as he leads a group of juvenile delinquents in a fight to save Kamp Kikakee. Finally fed up, mining executive Sherman Krader (John Vernon) takes matters into his own hands and aims a hunting rifle at Ernest. However, his faith in his camp and charges, his true courage, and his purity of heart allow him to pass the ancient Kikakee tribe’s ritual of Blade, Stone, and Arrow. He’s literally made bulletproof by his innocence—only one of the many implausible ways he bounces back from a series of seemingly fatal incidents. [Les Chappell]

There are plenty of lessons to learn amid the controlled chaos of Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom: Lefty scissors can be a serious weapon. Amateur archers should be emotionally prepared for their lack of skill to have fatal consequences. First love may be the best love, but it also isn’t necessarily a basis for marriage. Even prepubescent kids should have their own letterhead stationary. And so on and so forth. But the film’s real moral comes in an epigram Scoutmaster Ward (Edward Norton), the Khaki Scout head of Camp Ivanhoe, comes across in an issue of Indian Corn magazine: “Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.” The implication being that it takes a real summer-camp head to do the right thing and help his childish charges once his Khaki Commander (Harvey Keitel) is incapacitated and his campers rebel in an attempt to help two young lovers escape in a storm. When the sea is rough, that’s when campers prove what they’re made of, and whether their Scout badges actually mean something. [Tasha Robinson]

The optimistic camper Lazlo and his two bunkmates, Clam and Raj, knew that the key to an enjoyable camp experience was to find adventure in every moment. Even with Scoutmaster Lumpus’ bitter attitude and his attempts to sabotage his troops whenever he could, Lazlo would always find a way to take even the ridiculous and mundane tasks, and make them into something special. That even includes making a literal “Nothing” Club into the most popular club on the grounds, or breaking the world’s record for staking beans. [Kevin Johnson]

The dream of many a summer camper is to find romance, but this Disney Channel Original Movie takes that fantasy one step further. During her first summer at the elite music-training program Camp Rock, Mitchie Torres (Demi Lovato) manages to charm her pop superstar counselor Shane Gray (Joe Jonas, riffing on his real-life stardom) with her down-to-earth energy and blunt attitude. In fact, he’s so inspired by her songwriting skills and killer voice he doesn’t even care that she lied about having a rich family. She, meanwhile, gets a famous boyfriend with industry connections that will almost certainly help her burgeoning music career. In other words: That’s a summer well spent. [Caroline Siede]

Allen Sherman’s 1963 novelty hit “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah” takes the form of a histrionic letter from camp, set to Ponchielli’s 1876 ballet “Dance Of The Hours.” The writer, who’s been at the camp “one whole day,” complains about the dire horrors his friends have endured, particularly other boys with suspiciously rhyme-convenient names: Joe Spivy has poison ivy, Jeffrey Hardy needs a search party, etc. But by the end of the letter, the kid changes his mind and heads out to have fun, closing with “Muddah, faddah, kindly disregard this ledda.” Which raises a few questions: Why bother sending home a “ledda” with instructions to ignore it? Why waste time transcribing his silly Joisey accent in the first place? Also, exactly how does Ulysses build manlier campers? [Tasha Robinson]

When it comes time to motivate his campers for a competition against the rich kids from across the lake, Bill Murray’s charismatic slacker of a camp counselor doesn’t bother with cliched uplift like teamwork or perseverance. Instead, he avoids any actual encouragement and lays bare a fundamental truth: It just. Doesn’t. Matter. Winning at sports against some rival campers won’t change your life at all, so why get worked up about it? Even if they beat the other camp, those guys will still win because “they’ve got all the money! It just doesn’t matter if we win or we lose.” Murray’s character is aware of something incredibly profound and important: We’re screwed from the get-go. You’re never going to have the success that the people born rich and good-looking will have. So instead of stressing about it, just try and enjoy your life and not get too worked up about things. Keep your lessons about triumph of the spirit. It just doesn’t matter. Now those are words to live by. [Mike Vago]

When the Addams welcome a new member to their brood, Wednesday and Pugsley are sent to Camp Chippewa. Considering the dour Wednesday and her doughy bro are the epitome of indoor kids, things don’t go smoothly, although they do find a friend in David Krumholtz’s Joel. Things come to a head when Wednesday refuses to take part in the camp play (“A Turkey Named Brotherhood”) and she, Joel, and Pugsley are forced into attitude-conversion therapy. It doesn’t take, even though Wednesday pretends it does, eventually leading her to sabotage the play and take down her supposed Pilgrim brethren, including archrival Mercedes McNab (a.k.a. Buffy The Vampire Slayer’s Harmony). Perhaps if Camp Chippewa had chosen a play more suited for the season (that did not involve giving arrows to misfits) this could all have been avoided. [Molly Eichel]

This 2003 cult classic is actually inspired by a real-life summer camp: New York’s legendary musical theater training ground Stagedoor Manor. But let’s hope those Broadway-obsessed teens don’t actually take any lessons from this film unless they’re prepared to wind up facing jail time. Denied the starring roles she knows she’s meant for, meek but intense Fritzi Wagner (a teenaged Anna Kendrick, in her first film) sneaks Woolite into her rival’s Snapple. When the poisoned star blows chunks during a hilariously age-inappropriate production of Company, Fritzi struts onstage to deliver her droll take on the show stopping number “Ladies Who Lunch.” Now that’s dedication to one’s craft. [Caroline Siede]

McGee is sent to the wrong summer camp and finds himself up against a hoard of monsters—who turn out to make great counselors, especially compared to the elitist leaders of rival Camp Sunny Smiles. Not every creature from Lakebottom is benevolent, as evil mermaids and ghostly pirates are readily available to interrupt the various camp games. But McGee, his friends, and their specific, grotesque guides always possess the guile necessary to save the day, and have an enormous amount of fun doing it. [Kevin Johnson]

This one almost goes without saying, but it plays out especially well in As Told By Ginger‘s three-episode arc (a first for the Nickelodeon animated series) about Camp Caprice (where they “don’t say mooses, they say meece”) when the spoiled and rich Courtney decides to skip her Virgin Islands trip in favor of roughing it with all the “common” kids. This, in turn, means her equally evil friend Miranda is sent off to military camp, because her parents would never let her take a cruise by herself, and crawling through mud under barbed wire is the only logical alternative. Additionally, it also means camp veterans Ginger and her two best friends Dodie and Macie will have to put up with Courtney’s privilege antics for far too long. But again, camp is a right, not a privilege, so damn it all to hell. [Becca James]

Sure, there are great camp counselors out there, and they can teach important skills and life lessons. But are any of those skills as worthwhile as rocking out? In 2001, a group of Portland, Oregon musicians started the Rock ’N’ Roll Camp For Girls, to teach girls from 8 to 18 the basics of playing an instrument and being in a band, and in the process encourage teamwork, creativity, and foster self-esteem. The idea was a success, and the camp now has chapters all across the country. But the original group was the subject of 2007 documentary Girls Rock!, which follows four girls from varying backgrounds as they spend a week at camp. The camp counselors are generally experienced musicians, but during the summer profiled in the film, one of the counselors was Sleater-Kinney guitarist, Portlandia co-star, and all-around coolest person alive Carrie Brownstein. That counselor at your summer camp who seemed cool because she was five years older than you and smoked pot suddenly doesn’t seem so impressive, does she? [Mike Vago]