Prison Mike on The Office taught everyone how scary life can be on the inside, but it sounds like things might not be quite so harrowing for Martin Shkreli, the extremely hateable “Pharma Bro” who recently got seven years in prison for defrauding investors. The internet had a little schadenfreude party after Shkreli reportedly cried during his sentencing, because we all find moments of brightness wherever we can, so anyone who would rather continuing to believe that this rotten little jerk is finally getting what he deserves should probably turn back now.
Of course, this is America, and we can’t let a guy be punished too bad just for a little bit of fraud. Shkreli was initially being held at the “notoriously rough” Brooklyn Metropolitan Detention Center, but a particularly incensed report from Vice says he’s now being moved to the “much cushier” low-security Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institution in New Jersey. As outlined in Fort Dix’s handbook, inmates will have access to racquetball courts, bocce ball lanes, pool tables, and classes in music, leather craft, and art. Also, there are no bars on the windows, no locks, and no guard towers.
Vice says Shkreli’s next few years are “unlikely to be a full-on vacation,” but it will still be harsher than what he had initially requested from the judge. As explained by MSNBC, Shkreli’s lawyers tried to get him into a “minimum security camp,” but the request was denied. (For the record, that institution’s handbook doesn’t make it sound all that much better than Fort Dix, as it should be a pretty low-stress stay either way.)
Anyway, here’s a trailer for Time: The Kalief Browder Story, JAY-Z’s documentary about a 16-year-old kid who spent three years in Rikers Island despite not being convicted of a crime.