All couples can be, for lack of a better term, icky. This is why reading the Vows section of the New York Times can sometimes be more effective than ipecac. Most public displays of affection, like say weddings, straddle the line between sweet and saccharin-to-the-point-of-disgusting—but somehow reading about weddings obliterates the sweet side entirely until you're involuntarily making the kind of twisted grimace that comes from reading that two far-beyond-grown adults got married under a cotton-candy rainbow while wearing Hershey's wrappers. Seriously:
“I think she is still more beautiful than any other girl,” said Mr. Zornitsky, now 44 and the chief financial officer of Brownstone Asset Management, an investment firm in New York.
“I have loved David since I was 23,” Ms. Rosen said. “He makes me feel as lovely and youthful as I was in my 20s.” She added, gratefully, “Makes looking in the mirror” a lot easier.
On April 5, the couple was escorted by their three boys down an aisle lined with lollipop trees at Dylan’s Candy Bar in New York. The bride wore a borrowed dress made of candy wrappers that was designed for “Project Runway.” Rabbi Douglas Sagal then led them in their vows beneath a wedding canopy of giant Whirly Pops and candy-colored balloons.
Their 50 guests dined on peanut butter and jelly tarts and candy sushi (coconut rice, Swedish Fish and Fruit Roll-Ups) while the couple danced to “Sugar, Sugar.”
Why not "Candy Shop" or Lil Wayne's "Lollipop"? If you're going to have a candy-themed wedding, you should do something to cut the sweetness. Think of your guests.
You might be wondering what gumdrop fairy lead this couple down the marshmallow lovers' lane to their candyland nuptials. It's the classic story of boy meets girl, boy leaves girl, girl unenthusiastically marries someone else out of a sense of obligation, blah blah blah:
He decided he had made a terrible mistake, but it took him a year to admit it to her. In 1992, Ms. Rosen agreed to meet him for a drink. But after he told her how much he missed her, she pulled her left hand out of her pocket, revealing a diamond ring on her fourth finger.
“I had no idea that was coming,” he said of the news of her engagement. Sitting on bar stools, side by side, their eyes filled with tears.
“My animal instinct was to take the girl I loved and leave with her,” he said. He didn’t.
She appreciated Mr. Zornitsky’s restraint. “I had made a commitment to my fiancé.” Ms. Rosen, now 44, explained. But she also harbored a secret hope. “I envisioned David coming on his white horse to rescue me.”
Ah, are there any sweeter words in the English language than, "I had made a commitment to my fiancé"? Hallmark should consider a "I feel a sense of obligation to go through with our marriage plans." card line. It would be perfect for delivering that essential, reassuring, "I won't jilt you, even though I totally want to" message to your intended the night before your sure-to-be-doomed marriage.
You might be wondering, "Were these people this horrible throughout their entire relationship?" As it turns out, yes. So much so that even the New York Times can't resist knocking them down a peg or twelve:
When the two met, Mr. Zornitsky was attracted to the dark-haired woman with candy in her purse. Two weeks later, while on a trip, he took time to send Ms. Rosen a postcard. “I wanted to make sure she was thinking of me,” he said.
He had asked her to send him “brief notes” for the classes he would be missing. She took his request quite literally, buying a pair of men’s briefs and transcribing her notes onto them.
That was when he knew he was dealing with someone special.
Well played, New York Times. We all know that the Vows section has an implied subtitle of "Just look at these assholes." It's nice to see that subtitle acknowledged.