It’s become astoundingly clear—at least to those of us gullible enough to swallow the “facts” given to us by the lamestream media—that while Donald Trump was interested in holding rallies where middle-aged white women would scream his name like he was a septuagenerian Justin Bieber, he wasn’t actually all that interested in being the President of the United States of America. Look at him: In every picture taken of him since the election, Trump has a look on his face that’s somewhere between “my doctor said I can’t eat red meat” and “wait, how much?!”
The rest of his family, though, seems quite eager to capitalize on the situation, even if they won’t get top-secret security clearance. (Turns out there are a few things having a rich dad can’t get you.) Take Ivanka Trump, who used Sunday’s 60 Minutes interview—in which her father stated his intention to appoint Supreme Court justices who would overturn Roe V. Wade so abortion rights ”would go back to the states”—as an opportunity to hock a $10,800 bracelet (or $8,800, if you’re mid-bootstrap pulling) from her Ivanka Trump Jewelry collection. After all, what’s a trivial matter like agency over one’s own body when it’s adorned with such pretty things?:
Of course, the swamp snakes that make up the aforementioned media were less than receptive to Ivanka’s press release, cruelly repeating her own company’s words back at her for merely suggesting that a serious discussion of national politics might be better framed as an aspirational puff piece. The resulting blowback forced Ivanka Trump Jewelry to release the following statement:
This notification was sent by a well-intentioned marketing employee at one of our companies who was following customary protocol, and who, like many of us, is still making adjustments post-election. We are proactively discussing new policies and procedures with all of our partners going forward.
But not all journalists are so disagreeable. People magazine, for its part, has no problem jumping on the Trump family bandwagon, publishing a slideshow titled “27 Photos of Ivanka Trump and Her Family That Are Way Too Cute” the morning after Trump’s upset.