CHAPTER ONE
Ms. Katrina Pierson, of number four, Privet Drive, was proud to say that she was perfectly normal, thank you very much. She was the last person you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because she just didn’t hold with such nonsense. Specifically, when it came to immigrants, and the question of racial purity among presidential candidates, she didn’t truck with any of these suspiciously “international” politicians—i.e. the ones with parents born outside the United States. As such, in her role as official spokeswoman, Katrina periodically made statements longing for the days when such people were viewed with suspicion and hostility.
Of course, Pierson was in league—secretly, but also in public due to her job as national spokeswoman for the Trump presidential campaign—with the nefarious presidential candidate He Who Shall Not Be Named. She was paid to spread his foul message far and wide, and those aligned with the Dark Lord eagerly received these communications about pure breeds. But there was one woman, born with a lightning-bolt birthmark—or, rather, an idea for a book series starring a boy with a lightning-bolt birthmark—who decided to speak out against the machinations of those who serve You Know Who. And she took to that eternal battleground the muggles refer to as Twitter, where she issued her fierce warrior cry:
It wasn’t the first time Ms. Rowling would lend her name to the struggle against these powers. It likely won’t be the last. As the Dark Lord continues his devilish sorcery in the quest for electoral caucus and straw poll victories, the swirling vortex of xenophobia and Chik-Fil-A coupons left in his wake continues to cause ripples in the pond of American news media. But as long as British authors are there to make saucy comparisons, surely it will be enough to prevent any further encroachment upon the halls of power by He Who Shall Not Be Named. Right?