Do your clothes lack the louche, bohemian elegance of Hollywood actor and musician Jared Leto? Sure, you could attempt to appropriate his style by scrounging baggy T-shirts from the Goodwill dumpster and scrawling on them the first nonsensical rhyming phrase you can think of, or platitude cribbed from the magnet hanging in a junior high-school girl’s locker. But you would always know that your affected, studiedly sloppy aesthetic was just a knock-off, empty sham. Instead, now you can buy Jared Leto’s look directly from the source, so it can be as genuine as his own.
As MTV notes in an article that uses the words “cop his steez,” Leto’s website has branched out beyond offering articles of clothing with his face on them, and begun offering articles of clothing with his ideas on them. For example, here’s a cutoff shirt boasting Leto’s “famous expression,” as famously seen in proximity to his other famous modes of expression: 30 Seconds To Mars and his armpits. Now you can put it next to your own armpits or bands .
For those who have very slightly more to say, JaredLetoMerch also offers these shirts with inspiring messages on them that remind you to dream, because dreaming makes dreams possible for dreamers. Both quotes about the general okayness of dreaming come affixed with Jared Leto’s name, so the reader knows that these particular dreams are endorsed by Jared Leto—and also so that no one else can take credit for them. (You’ll need to dream up your own quotes about dreams; these are the dreams of Jared Leto’s dreaming.)
And for those who recognize all the absurdity and ineffability of life, here’s a shirt that just says “BOINK!” It’s just one of those things that Jared Leto says sometimes, because life is crazy and he’s just out to have fun. Also, some stuff about the Byzantine cross that you should really read, man.
Here’s another that references the Dr. Seuss character Bartholomew Cubbins—the latter of which Leto has adopted as his pseudonym whenever he directs music videos, because Bartholomew Cubbins wears 500 hats, and Jared Leto wears at least two or three. And wearing this will show people that, like Jared Leto, you don’t take yourself too seriously. You just take Jared Leto seriously, to the tune of $70 for a sweatshirt.
If this is all getting a bit too somber, here’s a $75 book of photos that Jared Leto took in Haiti that you can carry around. It will let people know that you care about the 2010 earthquake and the devastating effect it had on Jared Leto.
And finally, “You have seen Jared wearing his famous fanny pack around town,” and—rather than feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness that you’ve now lived long enough to see one of the gauchest accessories of ’80s and ’90s, previously sported only by fashion-deaf tourists in Times Square and the most unpopular kid on the band trip, now co-opted as an ironically cool accessory—you can spend $32 and join him. Each fanny pack is constructed out of 100 percent nylon, plastic, and undiscerning celebrity worship.
Jared Leto is also selling a bunch of other shit with that weird cross on it, including some cheap sunglasses and an $80 blanket. You do not look anything like Jared Leto.