Yesterday, Jay Leno rode a Harley to the WGA picket lines outside of NBC in LA and passed out Krispy Kreme doughnuts to the striking writers, telling reporters:
I've been working with these people for 20 years. Without them I'm not funny. I'm a dead man without them. There a lot of misconceptions about how much these people make. Most of them are not highly paid. Some are, but the average make about 30 grand a year. I'm out here to support the writers. I'm on the writers' side."
While certainly a nice gesture of support for the striking writers, Leno's combination motorcycle ride/doughnut run/stab at self-deprecation is also something else: A cry for help. Clearly, Leno has started to think through the implications of his leading a writer-free life. After all, if a comedian has to stand on the shoulders of an entire staff of writers just to be able to reach mediocrity, where will he be without those writers?
Should the strike continue, Leno is clearly headed for a downward spiral. Here's a look at his upcoming, writer-free week:
Tuesday
8-10am—Fluffs hair.
11am—Delivers 30 foot-long sandwiches from Subway to the picket lines in one of his vintage Ferraris. Mingles amongst the writers asking, "Remember the Judge Ito dancers?" He then chuckles uncontrollably until his laughs turn into gentle sobs.
2pm—Makes a noose gesture and tells reporters, "I'll kill myself without writers!" Leno then winks and adds, "Ha Ha Ha. Just kidding! I wrote that last night. Not bad, huh?"
3pm-11pm—Polishes all the cars in one of his garages with a Tonight Show With Jay Leno T-shirt.
11:30pm—Asks wife to whistle the Tonight Show outro theme before he goes to bed.
Wednesday
12pm—Debates purchasing a hovercraft on eBay.
1pm—Drives 40 stuffed crust Pizza Hut pizzas to the picket lines in his yellow H2 Hummer. Hangs out for a while asking anyone who'll listen, "If a person wanted to buy a newspaper, say one with a lot of mistakes in it, where would he do that?"
5pm—Drives past a Porsche dealership. Stops in and buys it.
9pm—Calls Kevin Eubanks just to hear him fake laugh.
11:30—Curls up in the trunk of one of his Lamborghinis and goes to sleep.
Thursday
9am-11am—Spends the morning wandering around one of his garages with a microphone asking all the vehicles if they can remember the Pledge Of Allegiance.
12pm—Brings a few dozen cupcakes to the picket lines in his Delorean, but doesn't actually leave the vehicle. Instead Leno just raises and lowers the doors a few hundred times while yelling, "How's this for a segment? Jay Goes Back To The Future? Guys? Look!"
4pm—Goes to newsstand to buy a newspaper but gets in a fight with the cashier when she refuses to show him where the ones backed on cardboard are.
5-11pm—Sits on the hood of one of his vintage Cadillacs and tries to come up with new questions for Jay-Walking. Can only come up with one: "What year did Chevrolet first manufacture the Impala?"
12am—Cries self to sleep next to hope chest filled with Tonight Show keepsakes.
Friday
11am—Hurls JuJuBes at the picket lines while riding past on his Harley.
2pm—Last seen wandering up and down Sunset Boulevard screaming at passersby, "Say something stupid!"