Under cover of the DNC, Jennifer Lopez files for divorce from Ben Affleck

Hiding under the massive, optimisitic shadow of the DNC, Jennifer Lopez has filed for divorce from Ben Affleck. Per TMZ, there is no prenup or settlement, just the black hole of sadness as our nation again reflects on the erratic and unpredictable nature of love, attraction, and compatibility.

For those who somehow don’t spend every waking moment of their lives wondering what these two weirdos are up to, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez rekindled their long-dormant love affair in April 2021. At the time, bolstered by the promise of a new presidency, a fresh batch of COVID vaccines, and the upcoming release of The Matrix Resurrections, the resurrection of Bennifer signaled to a weary world: Nature was healing.

A year later, Ben and Jen were married for a second time, but all was not right with the world. In 2024, just as Lopez hit a career pothole with the disappointing response to her ninth studio album, This Is Me…Now. It wasn’t just the album because This Is Me… Now was a multimedia experience, leading to several other disappointments, including a canceled tour. Lopez’s confounding musical, The Greatest Love Story Never Told, and a not-so-self-aware documentary, This Is Me… Now: A Love Story, didn’t help. By spring, she was releasing anonymous AI sci-fi thrillers for Netflix. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Besides the lack of prenup, the couple is reportedly not speaking to each other, so that’s making things difficult, too. The good news is the DNC is going on right now, so maybe no one will notice that romance has, once again, vanished from this earth. It’s going to be a dark winter. Keep those you hold dear close, for love has no place here.