With Sony regaining the full rights to Spider-Man and ending its deal with Marvel (reportedly over a producer credit, which seems petty), the future of Tom Holland’s Peter Parker is somewhat unclear—leaving fans to wonder who will survive the great un-merging, and what will be left of them? Here’s what we do know: Happy Hogan is most definitely out, leaving Aunt May alone-as-fuck again (rude). Peter’s first college internship will almost certainly be on The Eddie Brock Report With Eddie Brock in some goofy-ass Venom crossover. The name “Tony Stark” shall never be mentioned in the Spider-Verse again. Tragedy, all around. While there is absolutely nothing fans can do to prevent this corporate divorce, one man has taken it upon himself to save Spider-Man from Sony’s villainous grasp: Jeremy Renner. The Hawkeye actor, recording artist, and Cool Dad on social media will not simply watch from the sidelines as his little acting pal is callously snatched away from the MCU. Someone has to do something. Someone must stop this madness. Someone must unite these warring corporate factions. That someone is Jeremy Renner.
There’s just so much to appreciate in this humble Instagram post: The specific screenshot Renner has chosen to convey his sorrowful disbelief, the quality of said screenshot, clearly taken from a GIF (certainly not from Tumblr, which would never host such mediocre moving pictures), the direct address of Sony and the invocation of the late Stan Lee’s powerful name. He ends this simple plea with a well-mannered “please, thank you,” but it’s the hashtags that truly make this Jeremy Renner post something to be treasured and perhaps deciphered like paternal hieroglyphics: Is #congrats intended as a genuine well-wish to Sony for their continued success, or a passive-aggressive statement regarding their shrewd business decision? This is followed by #spidermanrocks, which, duh. Sandwiched between that hashtag and #please (for emphasis) is the curious choice to include a hashtag with an emoji bow and arrow—emojis can’t be hashtags, dad, jeez. And yet, should one click on that makeshift hashtag, they would not be surprised to discover that Jeremy Renner is the only person who uses it.
Meanwhile, as we reported earlier today, Sony has released a public statement regarding this unfortunate split from their Marvel partnership. Like Jeremy Renner, Sony is also utilizing dad-speak to convey its message to the masses. Sony isn’t mad, just “disappointed” in what the studio characterizes as “Disney’s decision.” Please (#please), let’s set aside blame and do what is right. Won’t someone think of the poor Tom Holland-child? Don’t make Jeremy Renner fight this battle on his own. Because he’ll fucking do it. You bet your ass he will.