Next to cartoon frogs, Saturday Night Live impressions, emails, and actual political platforms, perhaps nothing has played a greater role in this presidential election than the poll, that infallible collection of incontrovertible statistical data that becomes completely meaningless the second it doesn’t support your side. Polls have been more important than ever this year—mostly because Donald Trump keeps bringing them up whenever he runs out of catchphrases. But also because the apparently razor-thin margins that separate Trump from Hillary Clinton continue to seesaw perilously on the hour, their vertiginous yawing just another reason you’ve felt like puking your guts out for a straight year now.
This season we’ve all heard from the corrupt, lying, Clinton-owned mainstream press and their “math,” and we’ve listened patiently while Nate Silver tries to wring another day’s content out of “Clinton will win—unless she doesn’t.” But today, we finally have the results of the most masturbatory poll yet: Porn streaming site RedTube has officially declared Donald Trump the winner with a healthy-and-normal 52.1 percent to Clinton’s 46.3 percent. Its findings were based on a survey of 1 million Americans ready to climax, but who first had to suffer through the prolonged blue balls of this election. No greater metaphor for the nation’s mental state exists, and thus no more accurate poll.
RedTube spent three weeks asking pantsless America for its political opinions, delaying their poling with polling, then collecting demographic data it spread across age and gender lines, unghhhh yeahhhhh.
Not surprisingly, RedTube’s respondents were overwhelmingly young, male, and completely undeterred by Trump’s comments like “Grab ‘em by the pussy,” which they possibly even borrowed as a search term. Still, as Trump’s entire campaign has demonstrated, you also can’t discount the opinions of frustrated older voters, who also cast their RedTube votes for Trump in a separate tab while stroking themselves to photos of Ronald Reagan. And you also have to acknowledge the 1.6 percent who proudly stood up for a third-party candidate, then thank them for momentarily wanking on RedTube instead of all over your Facebook feed.
Anyway, it’s over. Hillary Clinton put up a good fight, and while other polls might still give her a slight lead, RedTube has made one thing clear: Jerk-offs love Donald Trump. We now know who Trump’s “silent majority” is referring to—and why they’re being so quiet in there.