Urged, no doubt, by certain Trotskyite factions from within its ranks, the Jersey Shore cast has been showing the Teamsters how it's done, threatening to walk out on the reality TV show that’s given their life its sole purpose, and demanding that MTV agree to pay them a 200-percent raise for simply reveling in their basest impulses like they would be doing anyway. For a while there it was touch and go: A cast member whom no one cared about or remembered anyway opted out; meanwhile, the far more central, catchphrase-spewing cast member The Situation signed an individual deal for $30,000 per episode, ensuring that he’ll stick around long enough to become the Urkel of the early ‘10s.
But today MTV issued a press release to address our fears, and to assure us that our long national nightmare is only beginning: “MTV is pleased that the Jersey Shore cast are returning to Seaside Heights to continue production on Season 3. Not only have they become a part of the MTV family, but fans worldwide have fallen in love with them.” The specific terms of the deal were not revealed, though we’re positive that no matter the amount of money they’re getting per episode now, it’s directly proportionate to their contribution to American culture. More importantly, it saves us from a future dominated solely by cheap Korean knock-offs of the product “fans worldwide have fallen in love with,” and that the original will be able to see that love disintegrate into exhaustion and unabashed resentment.