Welcome to my weekly recount of the ever-escalating insanity and delusions of one Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, self-styled lothario, GTL aficionado, sworn foe of Grenades/Landmines and enemy of women everywhere. Last week Sorrentino’s desperate pursuit of women with low enough self esteem to have sex with him officially stopped being funny in a pathetic kind of way and became creepy and disturbing as Sorrentino lapsed into a violent, mercurial funk when he couldn’t get laid.
With shit-starter Angelina out of the equation, Jersey Shore has revisited an old favorite—Ronny Vs. Sammi Vs. The Patience of the Viewing Audience—and an exciting new development: the psychological unraveling of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.
We got to see Sorrentino at his worst last night. Then we get to see him at his even worster. The creepy bad times began when Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and his increasingly reluctant wingman DJ Pauly D picked up some trashy women at a trashy club they were convinced were “DTF”, that is “down to fuck.”
One of Jersey Shore’s many guilty pleasures is its complete lack of subtext. Nothing ever goes on beneath the surface because the housemates are constantly articulating their comically simplistic thought processes. Last night, for example, DJ Pauly D reiterated his nightly club strategy: he and his boy Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will go to a club, try to find women who look lonely and desperate enough to be up for a one-night stand. If the women in question aren’t physically repulsive, they take them back to the pad for several minutes of demoralizing grunting and fluid exchange. Then they begin the cycle all over again the next day.
So when DJ Pauly D and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino take some scantily clad young women home they’re convinced a smushing is imminent. Then Sorrentino makes a horrifying discovery: the woman he has brought home respects herself enough not to give a blowjob to every asshole who buys her a Tequila Sunrise.
Sorrentino is aghast, even if his boy DJ Pauly D’s girl is DTF like a motherfucker, yet both men end the evening alone and disappointed, though Sorrentino at least has the decency to make up a ridiculous story about DJ Pauly D ruining the evening for him.
This invites the question, what exactly does the cast think all those microphones and cameras are for? If you’re going to brazenly lie, at least make sure there isn’t a lot of footage of your fibbing.
Pretty ugly, eh? It got even worse. A short while later, two thirds of MVP take home a pair of Amazonian blondes from Planet Porn Star. They’re once again convinced the magic is about to happen but when one of the girls says, jokingly or not, that they’re leaving in five minutes, Sorrentino angrily insists they leave immediately, then continues to harangue their memories long after they have fled his little love shack in richly deserved horror.
Sorrentino makes a point of saying “The Situation” sixty or seventy times every episode. It’s pure branding 101 but what exactly does “The Situation” stand for at this point? Misogyny? Desperation? A violent hatred of women? A desperate need for attention and adulation that borders on pathological? A pervasive date vibe? If so, then last night should be a real boon for The Situation Incorporated.
In other horrible people news, Ronny and Sammi stopped being boring just long enough to become irritating when Sammi freaks the fuck out about a harmless comment Ronny made about her looking Asian. Ronny’s last girlfriend was Asian, you see, so Sammi hysterically interpreted his off-handed comment as a grievous slight. Oh, Ronny and Sammi. You are so fucking tiresome.
In an even more minor development, Snooki totally got sad because her friend left. This, friends, constitutes a very major development in the low-stakes world of Jersey Shore. Still, tonight was all about the Situation, who is solidifying his status as one of the most compellingly awful trainwrecks in pop culture. I can so see him holding a sign by the side of the road sometime in the hopefully not-so-distant future advertising that he will say “The Situation” compulsively and show his increasingly bloated stomach for spare change and/or food. He’s going down and when he does we will all be their laughing at him, for it couldn’t happen to a more deserving slab of human garbage.