America grows ever closer to its soul-searching moment of clarity with the news that Jersey Shore star Mike “The Situation” Vestigialsurnameio will earn more than $5 million this year, owing to the “many endorsement deals, business opportunities and additional television offers” he’s received. The Hollywood Reporter helpfully breaks those offers and earnings down for you so you can sneak looks at them while you’re supposed to be working the desk job that barely covers your mortgage, including: the “abs-focused fitness video, The Situation Workout,” a GNC-distributed “chewable supplement line,” a deal to be the spokesperson for a new vodka line, his iPhone “GTL” app, his rap song on iTunes, more endorsement deals with VitaminWater and Reebok, his own clothing line with Dilligaf, offers to appear on the big screen “in various feature projects” (which we’ll go ahead and read as “a Friedberg-Seltzer parody and the next Alvin And The Chipmunks”), and, of course, his upcoming autobiography, Here’s The Situation, which nabbed him a six-figure advance. Dear struggling writers: Perhaps you should have gone to the gym more. This is all in addition to his current earnings of $60,000 per episode of Jersey Shore, of which there is apparently more than one.
By the way, it’s not just the average American who’s earning a pittance compared to what The Situation will take home in 2010: His salary easily dwarfs that of Anna Paquin, Don Cheadle, Edie Falco, Michael Cera, Matthew Morrison, and Scarlett Johansson, to name just a few. The Situation should probably just go ahead and spend that $5 million as quickly as possible (just have a little “fun money” shopping spree—you’ve earned it!) on something crazy and indulgent, like a big gaudy house with a pair of solid gold gates that say “THE SITUATION.” After all, those offers are only going to get bigger and better from here.