Jessica Biel, Bill Nighy added to Total Recall remake that better damn well have a mutant in a guy's stomach

So basically, Len Wiseman’s remake of Total Recall is going to be totally unrecognizable, completely getting its ass away from the Mars plotline of both Philip K. Dick’s original novelette and the Schwarzeneggered adaptation, and substituting an earthbound story of underhanded foreign policy that somehow includes Ethan Hawke. But oddly enough, it insists on keeping strange shadows of its former self by hanging onto old character names—like implanted memories that give the illusion of familiarity—yet making their functions and personalities totally different. For example, Jessica Biel, a fine if somewhat bland actress, who will join Wiseman’s wife Kate Beckinsale as the film’s second female lead, Melina, the role of the exotic brunette rebel for which Eva Mendes and Rosario Dawson were previously in contention.

So okay, much like swapping Colin Farrell in for Schwarzeneger, Wiseman obviously has a different vision for Melina, which is fine. It’s his movie, and as we said before, having Bryan Cranston as the main villain absolves him of almost any other questionable decision. But let us just say this up front: There will be a mass revolt against the also-just-confirmed Bill Nighy as Kuato—known here as “Quatto”—if he doesn’t also have a little mutant guy growing out of his stomach. Some things you just don’t mess with.