Sadness is all around us. This is Jessica Simpson's fault. She is a walking lacrimal gland, the font from which of all the world's tears spring, a (semi) conscious cloud of despair—yes, all sadness stems from Jessica Simpson.
So what is making Jessica Simpson sad today—thus causing a deep depression that will ripple across the globe, growing ever stronger with each passing day, until Jessica finds something new to be sad about? Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch is here once again to find out!
Q: What's making Jessica sad today?
A: Watching Ashlee Simpson on Broadway.
If you guessed "the shoddy workmanship of Diddy's QVC line," "bendy straws that don't bend properly," "spearmint," "the Mountain Meadows Massacre of 1857 specifically as depicted in the movie September Dawn," "Hoarders," "the fact that faxing, as a technology, hasn't been phased out yet," "injustice," or "what?" better luck next time!