Last year we reported on a collaboration between actor John Malkovich, director Robert Rodriguez, and cognac company Louis XIII, to create a film that wouldn’t be viewed for 100 years. (The idea being, that that’s how long it takes Louis XIII cognac to ripen, or evolve, or whatever the hell it is that cognac does.) The movie was completed last year, and locked in a safe that’s set to be opened on November 18, 2115, all the better to make us reflect on our own legacies and mortalities, or—more likely—so annoyed that we desperately need a drink.
But hey, what’s the fun of making an unwatchable movie if you don’t take it around every now and then and remind people what it is that they’re not being allowed to see? So 100 Years—as the film is creatively known—is also set to be displayed at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. And by “displayed,” we mean they’re apparently loading up the safe, putting it in a public place, and, maybe, posing John Malkovich next to it, and a bottle of cognac on top. We can only assume this is going to be a big hit at the festival, with thousands of refined movie goers getting their pictures taken with the safe, and a special award for “Best Heavy Object Related To A Stupid Cognac Publicity Stunt” eventually being awarded. (We could call it the Palme d’Orrible Waste Of Everybody’s Fucking Time).
Having garnered international fame, the safe is then set to tour around the globe, arriving in a number of grateful cities, before returning to the Louis XIII cellars in Cognac, France. That is, if nobody defies the gendarmes and steals the damn thing, in an exhilarating, Oceans Eleven-esque heist, involving acrobatics, faked security footage, and a healthy contempt for Louis XIII. That actually sounds about a hundred times as exciting as whatever make-work Malkovich and Rodriguez put together and locked in the vault, firm in the knowledge that they’d be long dead by the time anyone found out it was just a video of them chugging cognac, and talking about how they were going to spend their sweet “unwatchable movie” cash.