July 17, 2013

I am a young gay man who has been so freaked out by the idea of catching an STI that I haven’t gotten with anyone for two years. But last night, I hooked up with a cute 21-year-old FTM trans boy, and maybe because it was a person with lady parts, I let caution go, and no condom was used. How worried should I be about having made a baby with a person who is way too young to have one?
Cautious Homo In Loopy Dilemma

P.S. He is on hormone therapy.

Here’s a good rule of thumb for all you sex-havers out there: A new sex friend who’ll have unprotected sex with you has probably had unprotected sex with other sex friends. Yes, yes, typically cautious people have been known to “let caution go” on rare occasions. It happens, CHILD. But the odds that two typically cautious people will both simultaneously decide to “let caution go” and have unprotected sex with a brand-new sex friend just this once are pretty slim. “This person who’s having unprotected sex with me is having unprotected sex with other people” is a far more reasonable assumption than “This person who’s having unprotected sex with me would never have unprotected sex with anyone else.”

Which means you should be less concerned with pregnancy—your sparkly new concern—and more concerned with that old concern of yours, sexually transmitted infections. The odds that you got that FTM trans boy pregnant are pretty slim; there’s only a 1-in-20 chance that a single act of unprotected penis-in-vagina sex will result in pregnancy. The fact that this guy is on hormone therapy may make him slightly less likely to conceive. But if your cute hookup was having unprotected sex with others—if he wasn’t making a very special exception just for you—then you’re at greater risk of acquiring an STI than you are of acquiring an heir.

Go and get tested, CHILD, and while you wait for your results, ponder this: Health workers and HIV-prevention educators tell me that the more freaked out someone is by the idea of catching an STI—the more paralyzed by fear someone is—the likelier that person is to have unprotected sex when they do have sex. Your recent experience is common enough to be a depressing cliché. So working to conquer your irrational fear of STIs—and actually having sex once in a while—will leave you less likely to contract one.

Maybe I’m behind the times—maybe I just don’t get this “online relationship” stuff—but I don’t think two people who’ve never met in real life (IRL) should be planning a future together. Attraction is about more than just shared interests, emotional compatibility, and kinks in common. There’s an ephemeral, unquantifiable aspect to attraction, something that can only be established when you’re face-to-face/tongue-to-tongue with someone. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think you can know for sure that it’s love—a love worth moving across the country for—until you’ve tasted each other’s spit.

Don’t get me wrong: I think it’s great that you two got together, FURFAG, and I don’t doubt that there’s a real connection. One of the wonderful things about the Internet is the way it brings people with rare kinks together. And sometimes people with uncommon kinks have to go to uncommon lengths to be together—which can include taking a big risk like moving across the country to be with the furfag of your dreams.

But before you do that—or before you let him do that—you need to meet in person at least once to establish that (1) you’re actually in love with each other, and (2) you’re actually into men. You can’t resolve those doubts until you’ve acknowledged them, FURFAG, which means a truth-telling, doubts-airing, non-role-playing Skype session is in order.

The best way to determine if your boyfriend is a natural-born top—not into getting fucked, never will be into getting fucked—is to sideline your dick for the time being. Explore his ass, and his capacity to experience anal pleasure, without fucking him. Get some small anal toys that aren’t designed for in-and-out play, RTT, but set-and-forget play—a few butt plugs, one or two small vibrating eggs. Pop one in his ass and then let him fuck yours. If you can take the pressure off your boyfriend while getting a toy in him, RTT, he may begin to associate having something in his ass with pleasure. If he can do that, he may be able to graduate to your cock. Good luck.

“I had a blast.”