Just in time for Valentine’s Day, we present Gilmore Girls’ worst-ever episode

“A Vineyard Valentine,” season six, episode 15, originally aired 2/14/2006

I couldn’t find any of these online, but I distinctly remember the promos for “A Vineyard Valentine” when it first aired. The Gilmore Girls were leaving Connecticut (and the Warner Bros. lot) for the first time, give or take some road trips to Harvard and spring break. The WB was playing it up as a big damn deal, a chance to see these beloved characters against an idyllic backdrop.

It’s confounding then, that Daniel Palladino chooses to portray Luke Danes as the whiniest, poutiest, worst stick-in-the-mud imaginable, someone who apparently has never left the town he grew up in to enter civilized society. He lives in Connecticut, cooks for a living, and somehow has never had lobster! Which he mentions multiple times! He’s so petulantly raging against Logan, he even puts Huntzberger in a positive light. What’s romantic about that? Martha’s Vineyard be damned, we still have to keep the breakup of these two on track!

So Luke at his worst ruins the trip not just for Lorelai, but for all of us. Luke sulkily eats a power bar in the bedroom when Logan and Rory clearly have already explained what the breakfast options will be. A trip to the gym seems especially pointless, and also does the disservice of underlining that horrible TV trope of women that eat ginormous quantities of food and never need to work out (See also: Grace Adler, Liz Lemon). And the Gilmore girls getting the laundry guys to massage them is straight-up creepy.

Then, when things couldn’t appear to get any worse, Logan shares his Valentine’s present for Luke to give to Lorelai, as Luke neglected to give her one (never realizing what a comforting gesture that might be after postponing their wedding). His following unadulterated smugness over the magnificence of the present is practically unbearable, with out-and-out lies like how great he thought it would look on her, when he didn’t even pick it out.

It’s almost a relief when Mitchum Huntzberger shows up, and Matt Czuchry definitely shows some acting chops in Logan’s fight with his father. Rory being Rory, she immediately starts complaining about her boyfriend being in London for a year and missing their Asia trip, instead of realizing that Logan’s upset that his life is basically over. And when did she spend so much time in Martha’s Vineyard in the first place? When did she start cooking?

Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai realizes that she’s good enough to have April’s bike stored in her garage, but still not important enough to spend time with his daughter. (She finds out in the following episode that Lane has a much bigger role in April’s life than she does.) But honestly, after the way he loused up a lovely, all-expenses paid weekend away (complaining that the waves were too loud and the sea smelled like sewage), you have to wonder why she’s still pushing so hard for this wedding anyway.

Here is the greatest minute in these entire two episodes (with Zach proposing to Lane a close second):

We will have to set all our sights on Hep Alien, because everything else in this episode is a straight-up mess. Rory of course turns out to be an exacting and compassionate editor, wowing future Hamilton star Leslie Odom Jr. at a young journalists panel. But hey, she still loudly rocks out to Sonic Youth while getting ready, guys, don’t be fooled by the nerdy suit and Maureen Dowd pumps.

Rory and Logan then get tripped up on a technicality that’s already been beaten to death over on the Warner Bros. Friends set, then hopped over here: Were they on a break or weren’t they? If Logan thought they actually were over, I agree with him that his dalliances with the bridesmaids don’t actually count as cheating. Still, hearing her boyfriend cast off as “been there, done that” could not have been fun for Rory to witness in the bride’s room. Rory breaks up with Logan and finds her way back to Paris, not before Doyle hits on her, because everyone is secretly in love with Rory. Le sigh.

Topping that is a screeching, spoiled 3-year-old and Christopher who complains about being a single parent like he didn’t do the exact thing to Lorelai. Eventually, he kind of gets it, but not before he rattles off condescending comments to the mother of his child like “She’s a kid. Kids are hard,” at which point she should have shoved him and his monster child right out the door. Instead, she later accepts his apology and convinces him he’s a great dad (based on what?), and offers to help him any way she can, because when it comes to Christopher, Lorelai will never, ever learn.

Y’know what, let’s just check out that proposal. Or listen to Sebastian Bach again, your choice:

Stray observations

• If you don’t want to hear a zydeco band for more than 10 seconds, why would you even consider hiring one for your wedding?
• “What does that mean, a truce?” It means a fucking truce, Luke, Jesus Christ.
• It’s the dead of winter, yet no snow in either state. And where did Paul Anka hang out all weekend?
• “It just hit me—these could be the ones.” “The ones?” Why does nobody understand what words mean in this episode?
• “You’ll have your wedding eventually”: 10 years later, but it will happen!
• Gilmore Girls cameo: There’s Rectify’s Abigail Spencer as the only bridesmaid who didn’t mess around with Logan.
• Worst Gilmore outfits: We could talk about Luke’s Martha’s Vineyard sportswear, but even that pales next to Rory’s half-size white cardigan bow-tied over a red shirt.
• Best Gilmore outfits: Few humans can rock a wrap dress like Lorelai Gilmore.
• Next week: Jess’ final Gilmore Girls appearance.