There are certain performances so powerful that you can't help but watch in amazement and wonder how the actor did it. On Sunday night, the world witnessed one such performance when one-time model person Kathy Ireland played the role of Shouty Block Of Wood With Microphone. "What happened to Kathy Ireland?" we all wondered. "Is her brain somehow trapped in cement?" It was, in a word, breathtaking.
What's great about the red carpet is that every interviewer has their own signature style. Guiliana Rancic is a bundle of carrot sticks that tries to befriend everyone. Billy Bush is an evil ventriloquist's dummy with glass eyes and a nest of stinging wasps inside his skull who yells random sentences from Variety right into people's faces. And Kathy Ireland is a sentient, unblinking block of wood that shout-talks compliments at people. She's disconcerting and awkward and was easily the funniest thing about this year's interminable Oscars.
Apparently some people thought that Kathy Ireland was medicated, drunk, or medicated and drunk—which is just silly because sentient blocks of wood can't consume anything but awkwardness. Still, Kathy Ireland felt the need to explain herself in the manner of kings, via Twitter.
Via Twitter, Ireland took time out to reply to all of her haters individually. (She even justified to one fan why her right hand looked so stiff: "Child care and gardening can make hands a little rough," she explained.)
Ireland Twittered that she "cannot please everyone…and frankly I wouldn't ever want to."
…"No meds or alcohol Angel===just J.O.Y.!" she wrote to one fan, telling another: "Never use drugs and that as a Mom is not a cool or funny suggestion."
See? No meds, just a mysterious substance that's also an acronym that spells "joy." And them's her garden' and child carin' hands, that's why they's so stiff. Or, to put it in Kathy Ireland parlance, "CHILD CARE AND GARDENING. THESE ARE TWO THINGS THAT MAKE MY HANDS ROUGH, PLEASE TELL US ABOUT THESE TWO THINGS, ZAC EFRON."